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Pooter Pick: How To Find And Fascinate A Mistress

Will Harvey, New English Library, 1972

4 December 2003

This work is a sadly neglected contribution to gender studies, dedicated by the author to "all the lovely (and very candid) girls on TWA, Pan Am, American and United Airlines who were gracious enough to read and comment on the manuscript during the quiet hours of their flights."

This dedication is no accident. Harvey draws many object lessons from air travel: "a large airport is a mecca for convenient introductions to disappointed women." As you will soon learn, a disappointed woman is the ideal starting point in your noble quest to 'find and fascinate a mistress'. Says Harvey: "Years ago in Aspen I always made it a point to tour the lodge at 2.00pm and investigate any accident on the slopes. On most days I would find several young ladies with various injuries. They're always receptive to conversation." This, to Harvey, is the Holy Grail of womanhood: a lady who is both disappointed and injured, and so who can't (perhaps because of a leg cast, or a torn ligament) outrun him.

Once Harvey has snared his new ladyfriend, he moves swiftly and effectively to achieve union. "I've found the most generally effective procedure for warming up a bashful partner is to use the tools the good Lord gave me for sex, my head and my penis. I put my head over a breast and my penis between her thighs. And I stay there until she opens up on her own." The perfect gentleman. And he remains so even after the act: "I always keep [tissues] in reach so that I can place a few of these in her hand before I roll off." What girl could ask for more?

This manual must surely be reckoned an invaluable addition to any young fellow's library, and it would - if only our culture were a little more enlightened - make a useful contribution to the sex education syllabus at GCSE level, and below.

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