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Home > Film

Revisionism: how Lewis Collins won the Vietnam War

So if it wasn't a Cuban-funded CIA operation masterminded by aliens, who did kill JFK?

5 December 2003

The violent death of John F* Kennedy, America's most popular president, was a shocking event - but nowhere near as shocking as the way Oliver Stone seemed to think he had a God-given right to make up history.

This week a BBC2 documentary debunked the conspiracy theories surrounding the assassination of JFK - in particular the idea that conspirators within the highest levels of government, in league with the military-industrial complex, had Kennedy killed.

This rather big fib also happens to be the plot of Stone’s film JFK.

Stone appeared in various clips on the programme defending his film, which, it must be said, is very good. Unfortunately it's also a glib synthesis of stupid conspiracy theories, extremely questionable evidence and ignorant popular myth.

(NB. If you happen to watch JFK in the future, pay attention to the gay orgy scenes. Boy, does America's second-most-foremost anti-establishment, liberal film-maker hate those faggots!)

It's stating the obvious to point out that there’s a trend for Hollywood to rewrite history. But it gets doubly objectionable when history is rewritten purely to pander to Joe American Public. Stone's other films are mainly unremittingly Americo-centric, and Hollywood as a whole has no problem with producing countless historically warped films like Braveheart and the execrable U-571.

Perhaps it's about time Britain's film industry started making its own gruesomely distorted 'reimaginings' of history (particularly American history). We suggest:

§

New York's Burning

The firefighters from ITV's London's Burning are on holiday in New York when the Twin Towers are attacked. Tate, Hallam, Bayleaf, Sicknote and Josie bravely rescue everyone in the blazing skyscrapers while the New York fire department sits around eating doughnuts and watching porno movies. With John Inman as the effete, indecisive Mayor Rudolf Guiliani.


How The Brits Won Vietnam.

When doughnut-munching fuckwit Lyndon Johnson (Christopher Biggins) realises the US is losing the Vietnam war, there's only one thing he can do: call in the SAS. Lewis Collins reprises his role in Who Dares Wins as the leader of an SAS squadron that wins the Vietnam war in a series of implausible, unremittingly macho action sequences.


The Full Montgomery

It is 1944. US troops are busy losing the Battle of the Bulge thanks to their hilarious, bumbling incompetence. And when a band of GIs (played by the cast of Porky’s) decide to give the Germans the Allied plans for the invasion of the Rhineland in exchange for a doughnut, only one man can save the Allies: General Bernard Montgomery (Rees Dinsdale). Monty single-handedly halts the German advance with just his trusty revolver, before yomping to the Fuhrerbunker and kick-boxing Hitler to death.


*Finbar



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