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Home > Media

The TFT guide to... advice from the Internet

It's a trust issue.
Trust no-one.

19 September 2003

Recently doctors warned that couples with infertility problems are getting misleading advice from the Internet. So what other bad advice are we getting online?

1) Resigning from your job to "Make $$$s surfing the Net!!!" is not such a hot career move.

2) Publishing your novel, sitcom or film script on the Internet turns out to be futile when your realise that top TV producers, publishers and Hollywood film directors do not spend hundreds of hours online reading partially-completed novels, half-baked ideas for Friends episodes and dismal further instalments in the X-Files series. Even ones where Mulder gets his cock out.

3) In real life, it proves difficult to meet hot and horny teenage cum-suck-sluts.

4) Chat group conversations like...

reefer2001: yo J

leon: do U cyber??!?!??!?!?!?!?!?!?!?!?!?!

suze: were's dogboy???

sosolidstu: where you from rastaman?

suze: Wher's dogboy???

patriotUSA: blink 182 suck dicks big time sadam husain suck my ass

rastaman: i from chessingtno

Mike20: N E 1 wanna go privat?

reefer2001: yo suze!

...aren't actually conversations. And joining in is not going to assuage the sense of loneliness which is eating you up inside.

5) David Icke's advice on how to recognise and rebel against our subterranean space reptile masters is not the product of the world's soundest sociological research.

6) If you're feeling a little under the weather, the best thing to do is see your doctor, not self-prescribe using a Garanteed 100% safe drug-ordering service, which mails out its tablets from Sao Paolo.

7) It won't make your penis bigger. No matter how hard or how often you pump.

8) Contrary to what the pop-up window suggests, the FBI probably aren't monitoring your computer (they have bigger fish to fry what with international terrorism to combat etc.) and so you can carrying on looking at the pornography with impunity.

9) No, you're not the 1,000,000 visitor to the site, and no, you don't want a virus as a reward.

10) If you're contemplating suicide, don't go to the suicide chatrooms for advice because 10 minutes chatting to those assorted nuts might will probably imbue you with such a hatred of humanity that you turn the gun on your fellow man rather than yourself.

Comment on this article: letters@thefridaything.co.uk

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