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Home > Media

Journojism: Have you got a tissue?

The Sun newspaper celebrates to see a teenager pop his unprotected cork.

Charlie Skelton reports.

19 October 2003

The 5am bonk happened after barmaid Jade and science student Tommy admitted they longed to bed each other.

- The Sun newspaper

Ah, they love a good bonk at the Sun. Almost as much as they hate paedophiles. Emily Smith, writing the report, could barely contain her joy at the fact that a BB bonk had at last been televised: "This is the moment UK Big Brother fans waited nearly five years to see - two contestants bonking on camera."

Three cheers for Jade and Tommy, who "gave viewers an eyeful" by "romping" together. "The duvet rustled as the pair made UK Big Brother history..."

The tone of the piece is one of celebration, pure and simple. The strapline running across the top of the page says it all:

TOMMY AND JADE DO IT

Okay, fine. Well done Jade and Tommy. We'll come back to them in a moment, but turning to p.35 of the same issue of The Sun, over on the right hand side of the page, we find a typical Sun 'quirky' item:

CHEQUE MATE. Teenagers in Belgium are getting £2.50 government cheques monthly - so that they can buy condoms and cut
pregnancies.

Those Belgians! Whatever next?!? Are they mad?!? (There's a definite sense here of Eurocracy gone mental: "government cheques" funding a ridiculous scheme). Now, turn back to our bonking teens, Jade and Tommy. The next morning, post-bonk, Jade has to ask for a morning after pill, as the eager pair had bonked without protection.

Why?

Because they're fucking animals.

Stupid fucking animals who are too fucking stupid to live and who ought to go and catch syphilis off a goat and bloat up with pustules and die. Jesus Christ, itís pathetic. Bad enough that they should want to fuck each other in the same room as half a dozen other people, whilst being filmed for a TV programme. But the fact that they just thought: fuck it, we want to bonk - let's just bonk. No thought of a condom. They just needed a bonk. 'And then I can ejaculate into your unprotected cunt' murmurs Tommy - and Jade smiles up and him and says "yes, just stuff it up me like a fucking animal and spunk your lovely stuff into my bits and then tomorrow I'll go and get a pill and that'll sort me out. Oh, by the way, you don't have any STDs do you?" - and Tommy pokes it up her and says "don't think so; what about you?" and she grunts "no" like the ape she is, and the duvet rustles and UK Big Brother history is made.

And was the Sun bothered by the lack of a condom? Of course not. They were delighted to see Tommyís semen untrammelled. They absolutely lapped it up. And they werenít the only people who found cause to celebrate - Jadeís mother was "proud" of her daughterís bonk:

"What she did is no different to any girl going out clubbing, meeting a lad, and going back and having sex with them. Why is it such a big deal that Jade and Tommy had sex? I'm proud of her."

But thatís precisely the problem: it was so pathetically typical. Two ignorant teenagers getting randy and humping without a thought for the consequences. They probably don't even know what the consequences might be. Jade is presumably blessed with some kind of vague awareness that if she spills boy-seed in her front bottom she might get a baby in her tummy - but thatís about it.

British teenagers are so appallingly ignorant. They are light years in sexual sophistication behind the Belgians, the Germans, the Scandinavians. they're just a bunch of giddy bonkers.

Tommy's mum is a bit less proud than Jade's: "Letís face it, they're still just kids and many might think it quite irresponsible to stick them in a room together." Well, actually no, Christine, they are not "still just kids" - they are 18 years old, and they should know better.

But hey - perhaps we're being a bit too harsh on them. They had a bonk: thatís the main thing. They made Big Brother history, made the Sun newspaper very happy, and made Jade's mum proud.

So, three cheers for Jade and Tommy and their unprotected bonk.

Hip hip...

...hooray.


On the subject of Big Brother, here's something for internet archaeologists to dig up and ponder over in years to come:

www.jonsgeekarmy.com

It already feels like ancient history. In 50 years' time it will be an obscure reference in an academic paper... 'Early 21st Century Representations of Reality, with Particular Reference to the John Tickle Phenomenon.'



Comment on this article: letters@thefridaything.co.uk

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