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Home > Media

Daily Mail Corner: What a great week

In the same way that creationists find an apple and incorrectly deduce that it was designed to be eaten because it fits in your hand and it's not poisonous, so too does the world sometimes look as though it's been designed for the Daily Mail.

16 May 2004

This week must have been a truly joyous one for the fascist depressives at the Mail. First up was the news that teachers are calling for random checks on pupils to find out how many carry weapons. Then a 15-year-old was charged with the murder of 14- year-old Jodi Jones. And finally planes used by the Royal family could lose their red, white and blue livery, to make them look more like ordinary airliners and reduce the risk of terrorist attack.

You could easily conclude that our schools have turned into violent ganglands, that murderers are getting younger, and to bally well top it all, the Queen CAN'T EVEN TRAVEL UNDER HER OWN FLAG!

This must all have been terrific news for the Mail, which sincerely believes that the world is going to Hell in a handcart, and is definitely along for the ride. So we couldn't help but wonder what the ultimate wish list of Daily Mail stories would be....


FOREIGNERS ARE TOXIC, SAY SCIENTISTS

Foreign people - including asylum seekers, swarthy, groping, oversexed Mediterraneans and the filthy Fr*nch - are toxic, according to scientists at Cambridge University, who warned Britons not to have anything to do with foreigners under any circumstances. Contact with foreigners, it is claimed, causes otherwise healthy Englishmen to develop a number of distressing symptoms, including shiftyness, claiming state handouts and eating bull testicles.


WELFARE STATE IS HUMAN FLESH FACTORY

The welfare state - which already funds the caviar and champagne lifestyles of Bosnian pimps and single parents from council estates - has been revealed to be a front for a huge, illegal, cannibalism ring. Dole scroungers are paid to kidnap legitimate human beings like taxpayers, white people and the owners of small businesses and chop them up into choice, macabre cuts of human meat. This latest revelation will almost certainly mean the end of the corrupt, wasteful, pinko social security system. Hurrah!


WORLD WAR TWO TO START AGAIN

Last night German panzers rolled into Poland, meaning that Britain will soon be once more at war with Germany and the rest of Europe. Prime Minister Thatcher announced that RAF Tornadoes will immediately use tactical nuclear weapons against Berlin, and everywhere else foreign. In a further development, government scientists have invented a time machine that is only programmed to travel to one date: 1952, enabling Daily Mail readers to go back to a time when you could leave your front door unlocked. And there weren't all these homolesbians.



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