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The TFT Guide To... Hollywood historical biographies

The lastest trend in the copycat world of Hollywood is historical biographies, with no less than two films about the life of Napoleon going into production. So what other factually rigorous historical films can we expect from Hollywood?

9 April 2004

1) Welshheart. Mel Gibson stars as Owain Glendowr, the first Welsh nationalist. Glendowr is a peaceful man, quietly eking a living by putting dolls in national dress into plastic tubes in a hovel in Swansea. But when English soldiers led by Lord Timothy Verry-Eville (Tim Roth) rape his wife then turn her into lamb chops, Glendowr puts down his souvenirs and picks up a sharpened love spoon. Warning: contains scenes of people escaping by jumping into rivers.

2) Henry Five. The life of Henry the Fifth (Sylvester Stallone) is 'reimagined' by Paul Verhoeven and Joe Ezsterhas. When the French refuse to support Henry's War on Terror against the evil Saladin Bin-Laden, it's time to kick some medieval ass. Highlights include Henry Five rallying his troops with the words: 'Once more into the breach! Time to die, assholes! FUCK YOU!'

3) Chairman Miaow. Light-hearted animation from the makers of Cats and Dogs based on the life of Mao Tse Tung, played by a computer-generated cat. A heartwarming tale of dialectical Marxism, enforced communist 're-education' and talking mice.

4) Good Morning World War Two. Robin Williams plays the wise- cracking WW2 disc jockey Lord Haw Haw, who entertains Allied troops with hilarious, irreverent routines like 'Jews are raping your womenfolk while you die for the Bolshevik cause'. But after meeting a beautiful Jewish girl (Britney Spears) Haw Haw begins to question the morality of Nazi genocide and decides it's time to flee to neutral Radio Luxembourg.

5) Gandhi: Way of the Fist. Steven Seagal plays Indian nationalist Gandhi, creator of the deadly but culturally confused martial art Egg Foo Yung. Gandhi is a peaceful man, but when English soldiers led by Viceroy Buffington Sadistically-Innclyned (Alan Rickman) rape his wife and burn down his Buddhist temple-cum-martial arts school, Gandhi leads his ninja monks in a frenzy of tediously over-choreographed cartoon violence.

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