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Home > Media

Big Brother V: The conclusions

26 June 2004

Older readers may recall that Big Brother was originally considered a 'social experiment'. This was overstating its value by about 98 per cent: if real scientists did experiments that were quite this pointless, then there'd be a laboratory at Cambridge University that had spent the last 20 years investigating the effects of electric blenders on frogs. As everyone knows, they've only just started building that lab, and it's in Oxford.

However, if you look hard enough, there are some interesting conclusions to be drawn from the experiment which is BB5. Here, briefly, is the methodology and the findings...

Aims: (1) To learn stuff what happens to violent, hysterical twats in a house, (2) To clean up on text messages.

Equipment: 1 house, 12 violent, hysterical twats, 1 loud-faced shout-pig presenter, ethanol.


1) The BB housemates are incapable of not mangling figures of speech. Whenever a housemate attempts to use a common figure of speech, eg. 'Kitten was the fly in the ointment', it comes out as:

- 'Kitten was flying the ointment, know-wot-I-mean?'

- 'Kitten was.... uh...' (conversation trails off as mayfly attention span kicks in)

- 'Kitten was the fly in the bucket'

2) Some people (specifically: Victor and Jason) have a grossly distorted view of reality. Victor, in particular, reports everyday life in a bizarre, melodramatic quasi-'street' idiom. If an eviction is due, Victor will say something like:

'It's, like, serious, it's like, bring it on, dis is gonna be da men from da boys, y'know? It's, like, gonna be, like, serious hardcore. A-1, fuckin' hardcore, man...'

3) Big Brother helps support a plethora of third-rate academics and pseudo-experts. So far we've had a body language 'expert' and various other nobodies with highly questionable 'skills' on Big Brother's Little Brother, and it emerged that a 'forensic criminologist' was employed as a consultant on the show. He left after the fateful night of hate, claiming he couldn't be associated with the show. Which is why he spent the next three days doing TV appearances about the show.

4) A Morlock-style race of sub-humans is surreptitiously being bred and released into the general population. Evidence: Emma.

5) Stuart is really, really scared of Michelle. We've seen more willing and joyful sexual liaisons at Abu Ghraib.

Comment on this article: letters@thefridaything.co.uk

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