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Home > Media

TFT supercondensed celebrity news

29 October 2004

If you're anything like us, you're probably sick of having to take at least one day a week off work (unpaid) to keep up with the latest important gossip about the ever-increasing celebrity population, as featured in Heat, Now, Closer, Hello!, OK! and other journals of record. It's a big chunk out of your life, it harms your career, and you end up with the same attention span as Axl Rose at a Proust festival. So, to save you wasting your lives, here is a supercondensed version of the week's celebrity news.

MCFADDEN, KERRY and BRYAN/BRIAN: Tits, crap songs, jungle, split, heartbreak. -ENDS-

NADIA: Man/woman hybrid, BB5, love-rat-cheat-ex, 'It felt special. He knew what to do and he hit the right places,' ie. 'my inverted glans'. -ENDS-

O'BRIEN, TINA, + OTHER CORRIE 'STUNNERS': Charity fashion show, mutton, lamb. -ENDS-

BECKHAM, DAVID and VICTORIA: Thicko, sticko, in love again, advice, accountants. -ENDS-

SPEARS, BRITNEY: Finding self, help from publicist, agent, marketing team, record company. -ENDS-

ZELLWEGER, RENEE: Creepily accurate accents, film version of inferior Bridget Jones sequel, squirrel-eating-rotten-nut expression. -ENDS-

LOOS, REBECCA: Publicist, romance with Stan Collymore, pig wank, Beckam wank, fitter than Posh. -ENDS-

CRUISE, TOM: Photo-op playing baseball, publicising Collateral, teeth, acclaimed wheelchair stuff. -ENDS

RICHIE, NICOLE: 'Reality' TV, Paris Hilton, 'Hello, is it me you're looking for?' No, that was your dad. -ENDS-

LO, J: From block, wears same boots three times in a month ((C) Heat)

MILLER, SIENNA: Furry boots. Jude Law. Alfie. Fit. Earthy substance containing oxides of iron and manganese that is brownish yellow when raw and orange red or reddish brown when burnt and is used as a pigment. -ENDS-


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