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Home > Media

Dustin Hoffman: It's a dog's life

12 November 2004

In the December issue of America's most socially acceptable jazz glossy, Playboy, the inestimably successful Dustin Hoffman holds forth on the perilous plight of humankind and just what can be done to ease our pain and suffering in these difficult times. He is optimistic. He envisions potential. He feels that we could move toward an idyllic existence, that we could create a paradise of peace and harmony, and that we could achieve that goal with ease. All we have to do is be a little more like dogs.

It's true that on first hearing, it does sound a bit off the wall. But think about it. Dogs. 'If only we smelled each other's ass,' he reflected, 'there wouldn't be any war.' And there it was. Like a bloody great cluster bomb of simple common sense going off in our collective brainloft.

Dustin was sound-bitten and press-released on Wednesday. By Thursday morning, the world was turned oops upside its head. Noam Chomsky was found unconscious from having slapped his own forehead into a mush. Yasser Arafat dropped down dead. It was so fucking simple. But it took a Hollywood superstar to put his finger on it.

Think about it. Let it sink in. Try and imagine what the world be like today if instead of rising to holocaustic power on the vicious scapegoating of international Jewry, Adolf Hitler had merely dropped trow and let that foxy little schnauzer Eva Braun bury her snout in his cack-pipe. Think where we'd be if instead
of fuelling Mel Gibson's porn-scented ego with lashes and spikes on that fateful day, Roman soldiers had merely taken it in turns to nose around inside the Saviour's sacred nether regions. And to take a modern-day example, we can look at the streets of Fallujah.

One resident this week told Arab News, 'It is like hell here. Americans are moving with a sea of fire ahead of them.' Now imagine that scene in Hoffman's Paradise. Instead of a sea of fire, you'd have lines of American Marines just squeezing out a few drops of pee-pee against all the lampposts and bushes in

Compelling though it is, Hoffman's Dog Theory does have its flaws. Primary amongst them is that dogs are irrepressibly vile creatures. According to the eminently chewable K9 Magazine, 'The dog is genetically programmed to survive. He is programmed to eat, drink, sleep and reproduce. He does not know right from wrong but learns what is safe and what is dangerous. He will put
'fight or flight' into operation when provoked or spooked, trapped or threatened and this is why he sometimes bites.' Well, shit the bed, we *are* dogs already! Hoffman's work here is done. The canine has come forth and the human race is saved. We are dogs. Narrow-minded paranoid cowards who will happily fly into a senseless snarling frenzy in the face of any half-perceived threat. Brilliant.

But maybe this was Dustin's point all along. That really, the only thing that separates us from the dog is that dogs don't carry guns, produce depleted uranium or cut innocent peoples' heads off. Neither of course, could they give a flying fuck about some beaky Hollywood legend bleating on about nothing at all in a dire attempt to plug his latest litter of product.

Go dogs.

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