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Home > Media

The TFT Guide To: Ruining TV programmes

This week the BBC announced that Top of the Pops would be dropped from its BBC1 slot and relegated to BBC2, after attempts to modernise the programme proved to be a ratings disaster. So if you're a TV executive, what's the best way to go about screwing up a perfectly serviceable TV show?

4 December 2004

1) If you're in charge of Top of the Pops, why not move it to a time slot when your target audience of teenagers and early 20-somethings will definitely be sitting at home watching TV, ie. 7.30pm on a Friday night?

2) If you're in charge of Dr Who, why not ignore the fact that *everyone* preferred the darker, scarier Tom Baker episodes, and instead turn it into a shit children's sci-fi comedy with Bonnie Langford? (NB: Several years after it has been cancelled, you may wish to recommission Dr Who because, despite claiming to be a professional programme maker, you haven't got the first fucking idea about how to create an original show.)

3) If you're in charge of Friends, why not forget that it owes its enormous success to quick-fire gags and clever comic situations, and instead pander to your dumbest female fans by introducing mawkish romances between the characters? You'll know you're getting it right when every joke has been replaced with the lines 'I love you too!' and 'Awww you guuuuuyyys'.

4) If you're in charge of Seinfeld, one of the best sitcoms ever created, why not ensure that anyone watching it after 1985 soon wants to smash their TV rather than be subjected to a blast of horrific sub-Level 42 'slap' bass every few minutes?

5) If you're responsible for any recent comedy show, do make sure to send review tapes to the most pretentious broadsheet TV critics. In their eagerness to spot 'the next big thing', they'll say things like: 'The funniest thing EVER... makes everything else that's ever been on TV totally pointless... I laughed so much I puked and shat!' This will cause millions of actual viewers to immediately switch off, saying 'Not more hyped-up shit', but you will have a loyal audience of arsehole TV critics - until the next series of 24 comes on.

Comment on this article: letters@thefridaything.co.uk

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