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Home > Media

The TFT Guide To... Replacing The Dead

The band INXS is currently trying to find a replacement Michael Hutchence by taking part in a reality TV show that will hold auditions for a new frontman. Understandably, many people assume this to be a cheap publicity exercise, while others claim it somehow offends the memory of Michael Hutchence, although it's hard to see how the memory 'drugged-up sexual pervert' could be much more tarnished. But what other dead people could we replace?

11 February 2005

1) Take a leaf out of INXS's book and find replacements for deceased pets and relatives. The kids will love holding 'auditions' for a new goldfish, and Grannie will eventually stop sobbing and complaining it's 'against God' to choose a new Granddad from a bunch of random oldies dragged in off the street.

2) Take the 'replace the dead' concept to its logical conclusion by murdering people who are still alive but, sadly, are a bit shit. (This idea may be of particular interest to Richard Blackwood's manager.)

3) Take the opportunity to actually improve on the original when replacing dead singers. For example, just give Richard Dawkins singing lessons and an Afro wig and Hey presto! A new Marc Bolan who isn't full of mystical hippy bullshit!

4) Avoid 'cheapening' the memory of the deceased by only replacing people who, when they were alive, would have looked cheap if they fell out of a Christmas cracker. Noel Edmonds, Nadia from Big Brother, Anthea Turner, Atomic Kitten - you SHALL live on beyond the grave!

5) Get Louis Walsh and Pete Waterman to organise auditions to replace the great composers. Then recoil in horror at seeing the new 'Mozart', 'Beethoven', 'Tchaikovsky' and 'Dvorak' miming a cover version of Another Day in Paradise.



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