- About TFT
Friday Thing Archive
- Politics
- Media
- Culture and Society
- War On Terror
- People
- Places
- World
- Popped Clogs
- Music
- Books
- Film
- Etc
Help And Info
- Contact Details
- Advertising
- Jobs
- Privacy Policy
- XML Feed

Home > Media

The TFT Guide To... Replacing The Dead

The band INXS is currently trying to find a replacement Michael Hutchence by taking part in a reality TV show that will hold auditions for a new frontman. Understandably, many people assume this to be a cheap publicity exercise, while others claim it somehow offends the memory of Michael Hutchence, although it's hard to see how the memory 'drugged-up sexual pervert' could be much more tarnished. But what other dead people could we replace?

11 February 2005

1) Take a leaf out of INXS's book and find replacements for deceased pets and relatives. The kids will love holding 'auditions' for a new goldfish, and Grannie will eventually stop sobbing and complaining it's 'against God' to choose a new Granddad from a bunch of random oldies dragged in off the street.

2) Take the 'replace the dead' concept to its logical conclusion by murdering people who are still alive but, sadly, are a bit shit. (This idea may be of particular interest to Richard Blackwood's manager.)

3) Take the opportunity to actually improve on the original when replacing dead singers. For example, just give Richard Dawkins singing lessons and an Afro wig and Hey presto! A new Marc Bolan who isn't full of mystical hippy bullshit!

4) Avoid 'cheapening' the memory of the deceased by only replacing people who, when they were alive, would have looked cheap if they fell out of a Christmas cracker. Noel Edmonds, Nadia from Big Brother, Anthea Turner, Atomic Kitten - you SHALL live on beyond the grave!

5) Get Louis Walsh and Pete Waterman to organise auditions to replace the great composers. Then recoil in horror at seeing the new 'Mozart', 'Beethoven', 'Tchaikovsky' and 'Dvorak' miming a cover version of Another Day in Paradise.

Comment on this article: letters@thefridaything.co.uk

Subscribe to The Friday Thing for free

Bad words ahead The Friday Thing is a weekly email comment sheet. Casting a cynical eye over the week's events, it is rarely fair and never balanced.

A selection of articles from each week's issue appear online, but to enjoy the full Thing, delivered by email every Friday - as well as access to almost five years of back issues - you'll need to subscribe. It's absolutely free.

"Razor-sharp comment and gossip." - The Sunday Times

"Hilariously cynical..To describe it as 'irreverent' is to do the newsletter an injustice." - The Observer

"Sharp, intelligent, opinionated, uncompromising and very, very funny. Just like 'Private Eye' used to be." - Alec McKelland

"Wicked" - Channel 4

"Ace" - Time Out

"'We rise once again in advocacy of The Friday Thing. We realize that some of you may be unwilling to spend [your money] on plain-text comment, but you're only depriving yourself." - The Minor Fall, The Major Lift

"Subscribing to this at the beginning of the year was undoubtedly one of the better decisions I've made. Superlative, and utterly marvellous. I look forward to Fridays now, because I can't wait for the next issue. Fucking fucking brilliant." - Meish.org

"Featuring writers from The Observer, Smack The Pony and The 11 O'Clock Show... will continue to attract new subscribers sight unseen" - NeedToKnow

"The Friday Thing is so good it's stopping me from doing a bunk of a Friday afternoon." - Annie Blinkhorn (The Erotic Review)

"So now" - The Evening Standard

"Damn it, you rule. May you never, ever back down." - Paul Mayze

"Ace" - PopJustice

"Snarky" - Online Journalism Review

"Can you please stop making me laugh out loud... I'm supposed to be working, you know!" - Tamsin Tyrwhitt

"Your coverage of stuff as it spills is right on the money." - Mike Woods

"Popbitch with A-Levels." - Tim Footman

"In an inbox full of trite work-related nonsense, TFT shines from under its subject heading like the sun out of Angus Deayton's arse." - Nikki Hunt

"A first rate email. It's become an integral part of my week, and my life would be empty and meaningless without it (well, *more* empty and meaningless anyway)." - Mark Pugh

"Genius, absolute bit of class. And you can quote me on that." - Lee Neville

"If you're hipper than hell, this is what you read." - MarketingSherpa

"The most entertaining email I've had all week. Great tone." - Matthew Prior

"A massive and engrossing wit injection." - idiotica.co.uk

"I wouldn't know satire if it bit me on the arse. But I did like the Naomi Campbell joke." - Matt Kelly (The Mirror)

"Has had an understandably high profile among people who know about these things." - Guy Clapperton (Guardian Online)

"Satirical sideswipes at the burning issues of the day." - Radio 5 Live

"Puerile and worthless... Truly fabulous... Do read the whole thing." - Stephen Pollard

The Friday Thing 2001-2008 - All Rights Reserved