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Home > Media

Gangsta bap

5 April 2005

It seems the world is not quite stale, flat and profitable enough for those vicious grasping bastards over at McDonald's. There is still a modicum of artistry out there, still a scintilla of creativity, and Maccy D's want to clog it up for all eternity with their filthy poisonous shit and slime.

This week they announced that in order to show their 'appreciation and respect for the most dominant youth culture in the world', the sickening swill-vendors are looking to team up with the flyest hippest dopest rappers around and shamelessly exploit a gaping demographic. What this will entail is artists who have absolutely no integrity weaving Big Mac name-checks into their rhymes. A simple case then of replacing all the blunts, hoes, nines and Uzis with buns, fries, beef patties and two slices of pasteurised processed American cheese. McDonald's will then vet the rhyme to ensure that the Big Mac is sufficiently bigged up, then they will pay the whores in question a sum of up to $5 every time the flaccid gutless jingle is given radio airplay.

In a word: Satanism.

Tony Rome, president and chief executive of Maven Strategies, the marketing firm hired by McDonald's to put the chip-shop into hip- hop, actually had the bare-faced malevolence to let this sick noise come out of his mouth recently: 'The main thing is to allow the artists to do what they do best. We're letting them creatively bring to life the product in their song.' And what self-respecting hard-core OG nigga pimp hustla wouldn't jump at the chance to rap about baps? Imagine! Letting them creatively bring a noxious turd in a bun to life. He went on: 'Hip-hop's endorsement of different brands give them a cool factor and representation among the youth.' Word. Appreciation and Respect. Just when you think McDonald's are out of ideas, they spring back with a new wack tack Maven aim to have several Big Mac tracks on radio playlists nationwide by the Summer.

Of course product placement has been part and parcel of hip-hop's make-up since back in the day. Yo, rap was born with a capitalist migraine just by virtue of it coming up from the streets, where the shops are. It was only a matter of time before the biggest names would join forces with the biggest brands. In 1996 for example, Run DMC, arguably, according to their site, the greatest group in hip-hop history, wrote a song called 'My Adidas'. In order to ease the pain of Satan's barbed pecker slicing up through their kidneys, they were paid $1.5m.

The difference now of course, and where McDonald's are really showing their gold-plated acumen, is by eliminating the risk of paying a band to write an advert for them which no-one actually wants to play. So McDonald's won't pay a penny till the message is actually out there. They're so *clever*.

This is clearly the ideal moment for MC Hammer to pull his feet out of his anus and make a decent fist of his occasionally-mooted comeback. Few have gargled corporate cock-juice quite so shamelessly as that cretinous, strutting stool of a man. Finally then, popular culture may be just about soulless enough for Hammer to return. But if now is the time, he has to go the whole hog and rebrand himself as MC Donald.

One likes to think that the vast majority of rap artists would rather find work as accountants than compromise their artistic integrity, and indeed their souls, by selling out to McMammon, and just maybe some of these will put their heads together and hatch a Big Mac backlash track. Calling themselves DJ BSE and MC JD, they will release a record of such coruscating, crippling condemnation that McDonald's will finally see the error of their ways and immediately cease trading. There will be a knock-on effect. Corporations will tumble like ivory dominoes. Capitalism will perish. Missy Elliott will wrest power from the suits and all will be well with the world. Right up until the moment she realises she's absolute desperate for a Big Mac.

Then we'll be back in business.

Comment on this article: letters@thefridaything.co.uk

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