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Home > Media

Celery Monster

20 April 2005

It was revealed this week that Sesame Street's resident googly-eyed gut-bucket and all-round wild thing Cookie Monster is set to learn - ugh - moderation. In the programme's 36th season, which begins on Monday, Cookie Monster's trademark biscuit-centred avarice is to be dramatically toned down. Not exactly a diet, claim the show's Research and Education people, but moderation. Knowing when to say 'no'. Ugh.

The motivation behind this catastrophic character realignment is of course the fact that every third child in America now has more in common with a particularly loud dollop of lard than a human child. However, the reason for this is not because one of the muppets on a successful, long-running and fantastically entertaining children's TV show is leading them astray. But rather because the people who own and run the world think nothing of manufacturing vast quantities of toxic plastic poison and passing it off as food.

This, sadly, is not going to change. For as long as the government actively encourage shocking amounts of money to be made from toxic plastic poison, toxic plastic poison will continue to fuck up American children. So, as usual it's up to the people who actually give a damn to try and do something about the nation's physical meltdown. And the people of the Sesame Workshop quite clearly give a damn. We have no doubt it must break their hearts as much as it breaks ours to emasculate one of the programme's most powerful protagonists in this way, but what choice do they have? Bush couldn't give a fuck. It's up to the puppetmakers.

So we know they're doing what's best really. But that doesn't stop it being deeply, deeply wrong. The whole point of Cookie Monster is that he's all id. That's his character. He's a furry little blue bag of virulent self-gratification. Take away the overwhelming desire to devour cookies in a highly impractical and really rather wasteful manner and what have you got? Nothing. Just another fucking muppet with a rather obvious agenda. Cookie Monster was always the realest monster on the block. There was no pretence, no policy, no fucking issues - issues were Big Bird's department. Now he's just going to be another ball-less palatable shill for the Moral Majority.

From Monday, instead of singing C is for Cookie, Cookie Monster will now witter on half-arsedly about cookies being 'A Sometimes Food'. Right. He is going to be a laughing-stock. A Sometimes Monster. It's all wrong. Cookie Monster must never learn how to say no. He shouldn't even learn to say 'yes please'. He must simply dive in and devour, as he always has. In his own sweet and crumbly way, Cookie Monster was a toddler-friendly version of Hunter S Thompson, the Marquis de Sade and Randy Pan the Goat Boy. And now he's dead.

And it's all George Bush's fault.

Now what else starts with the letter C?

Comment on this article: letters@thefridaything.co.uk

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