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Home > Media

Lucasjism: Revenge of the Sith

26 April 2005

If the original Star Wars had the sub-title A New Hope, Revenge of the Sith should be called Get Your Fucking Act Together. Both of George Lucas' previous installments have been pretty lousy, and you don't have to be Martin Scorsese to work out why.

Lucas managed to largely ruin the previous two parts of the saga by ignoring basic elements such as plot, dialogue, characterisation and creating exciting set-pieces, instead devoting his energies to pointless CG effects, 'explaining' his cod philosophy The Force and devising a tedious back story explaining how disputes about galactic council tax led to the rise of The Empire, or something.

Even so, Star Wars played a larger part in our childhoods than, say, religion, so, tragic souls that we are, we joined the internerds and scoured the Global Interweb for sneak previews of ROTS, as it is known.

The most interesting thing we found was this, a jpeg titled 'Crispy Anakin', which, for those unversed in Star Wars lore, shows Anakin Skywalker as he is about to be rebuilt as Darth Vader, after being horribly burnt by molten lava.

It has been suggested that the image is a cleverly Photoshopped fake, but it looks genuine enough to us. Either way, we're not going to lose sleep over it. We'll be too knackered from wanking over the innumerable pictures of Leia in a bikini you can find on most Star Wars sites.

However, we can't help but think that despite the possibility of some much-needed gore in ROTS, George Lucas will manage to screw up again. We've got a nasty feeling the latest Star Wars script may be as follows...


Star Wars Part III: Revenge of the Sith

By G. Lucas

Scene 1. A space-age meeting room in the Galactic Republic's Department of Weights and Measures.

Obi-Wan Kenobi: Unless there is a fair and equitable system for electing representatives to the Federation, the Grand Council of Wookies could well withdraw their bloc vote from the Tattooine Agreement on the export/import of Ewok pelts, thus resulting in instability in the balance of power on the ruling council of the Trade Federation, who will inevitably deploy a clone army to Naboo...

[20 minutes later...]

... and the result will be the greatest conflict the galaxy has
seen, culminating in the inevitable ascendancy of the Empire and
the Dark Side and an unending reign of evil.

Jar Jar Binks: Unending reign of evil makum Jar Jar sad sad, yessum Bahss!

Senator Palpatine: An unending reign of evil, you say. Interesting.


Scene 2: Space.

The screen explodes into a riot of explosions as literally 200,000,000 CG spaceships (none of which are quite as memorable as the Millennium Falcon, TIE fighters or even Boba Fett's Slave 1) do battle in an utterly confusing way. Several thousand cinema-goes belatedly discover they suffer from epilepsy.


Scene 3: The meadows of Endor.

Anakin Skywalker and Queen Amidala are romping playfully with a friendly Wampa, or something.

Anakin: I love you, Padme. Destiny is in my hands, in all our hands. But a destiny without love is no destiny at all.

Queen Amidala: Christ, this dialogue sucks.

Anakin: Let's hope it doesn't go tits up and I turn into an evil cyborg.

Queen Amidala: Frankly, who cares?


Scene 4: The secret lair of Count Dooku

Yoda: At last find you I do, Count Dooku. Force the side dark the of within you growing is. Foreboding I have. In a sense very real.

Dooku: A new power is coming. A power that will rule over us all in darkness. We cannot fight it. We must embrace darkness. We must become... The Darkness.

Yoda: Likely fucking not!

Yoda and Dooku engage in a weird, ninja-style lightsabre battle. Only one can triumph, etc.


Scene 5

The lava pits of Mustafar.

Obi Wan: You're for the high jump now, Anakin, ya wee radge cunt.

Anakin: Actually I'm called Darth Vader now. I've chosen the Dark Side, despite the fact that there isn't much of a future in it.

They do battle. Anakin/Vader trips and falls into a lava pit.

Anakin: Ouch, that smarts.


And much, much more, coming to a cinema near you.

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