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Home > Media

What Would Jesus Chew?

21 October 2005

God bless Cosmopolitan, the unthinking woman's style and self-esteem bible. Amongst the usual articles about precisely how much flesh you should have on your skeleton in order to fit into this impossibly expensive dress, this month's issue draws our carb-starved attention to a new(ish) diet craze from the US. Dr Don Colbert's book 'What Would Jesus Eat?' lays out a cunning programme of righteous self-denial for every woman who genuinely believes that each éclair she eats brings her one step closer to eternal damnation. Having given up processed foods, pork and several types of fish ('unclean') and devoted themselves to the ingestion of wholegrains and seeds, followers can tone up their new slim figures with a daily regimen of cross-toting. The good Doctor has written a bushel of therapeutic volumes of a Christian bent, including 'The Bible Cure for Depression and Anxiety', for 'Chronic Fatigue and Myalgia', and for 'Candida and Yeast Infections'. This last is rather scant of content, consisting of three curt chapters: 'One - Stop Having Sex', 'Two - Stop Masturbating', 'Three - Look, Just Suppress Your Beastly Urges, And God Will Stop The Itching'.

Colbert's mission may backfire somewhat if all these newly-slenderised women feel the urge to go to Ibiza and set about nailing every hot barman in sight. And he seems to have conveniently forgotten about vanity being a sin; not to mention the fact that nobody knows what Jesus looked like, so we have no idea if we'd want to look like him in jeans. It shouldn't be a surprise, though - most diets need some sort of celebrity endorsement to become popular. Even after alarm bells start to ring and kidneys start to fail, the smiling fizog of a famous person will convince dieters to just keep going all the way to Hollywood, or in this case, the Promised Land where everyone wears size ten robes. With religion now in pole position as the new reason to bugger up your digestive system, what other crossover health crazes can we expect from publishers?


1) 'Buddha's Path to Enlightenment through Pie'. Eat. Laugh. Discover true inner happiness and spiritual fulfillment through not giving a good goddamn about your waistline. Become one with the planet by striving to resemble it.

2) 'Gorge with Gandhi'. Eat only vegetables, shunning all meat products. Then stop. For quite some time. Conserve energy by sitting very still.

3) 'Oy Vey Your Way to a Smaller Toches'. Work off those pesky pounds by worrying extravagantly about your no-good son whilst pacing up and down, and gesticulating wildly in your local delicatessen.

4) 'The Dithering Agnostic Faith-Loss Plan'. On the one hand, you believe that something more powerful than yourself created this full-fat cheese toastie. But then surely the existence of every toastie can be fully explained by science alone? You'd better just eat salads until you decide.

5) 'The Not At All Severe Scientology Solution'. You overeat because you're 'depressed'? There's no such thing as depression. It's just psychiatric propaganda. Stop crying. Look at how much weight you've put on. It's not good for the baby. What do you mean, that *is* the baby? Be quiet. You'll traumatise it.

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