This week it was reported by the Daily Mirror that Abu Hamza is slimming down and buffing up inside. He's lost three stone apparently, because he doesn't like the prison food, but he's also been working out, and is well on his way to a six-pack. Hence the really quite brilliant headline 'ABS HAMZA'.
We reckon the news meeting ran pretty much along these lines:
NEWS EDITOR: Right, lads, it's been a couple of weeks and we badly need a Hamza exclusive. So come on. He's inside. What's he getting up to? How's he spending his time? We need a hook. Give me headlines.
HACK #1: Alright, what about, he's reading a lot - getting himself an education, yeah? 'CAPTAIN BOOK'...
HACK #2: 'Book-handed Hamza has swapped his rucksack for a library card...'
ED: Hm. Convince me. What kind of books? What's he reading?
HACK #2: Books on angling. 'BAIT PREACHER'.
HACK #1: 'HAKE PREACHER'.
HACK #2: Or what about, he's learning to cook? 'With his cook book in his hook, chubby hate preacher Hamza is living the life of Riley inside, not unlike the mafia bosses in the film 'Goodfellas'...'
ED: Maybe. Headline?
HACK #1: 'RAGU HAMZA'.
HACK #2: He could use his hook to test the vegetables, see if they're cooked...
HACK #1: Yeah, or he could take the hook off and use different attachments - knives, spoons. We could photoshop a whisk onto his hand...
HACK #2: 'FLABU HAMZA - Hook-handed terrorist piles on the pounds as greasy prison food takes its toll...'
HACK #3: Hold on. What about 'ABSEIL HAMZA'?
ED: That's good. Go on.
HACK #3: He's in the exercise yard. There's a rope between two towers...
ED: Make it a washing line. More believable.
HACK #3: Right. And a couple of other inmates lift Hamza onto the washing line. Hang him up by his hooks and give him a push. Away he goes.
HACK #2: 'Hook-handed hate preacher got more than he bargained for when fellow inmates strung him up by his hook and sent him flying across the exercise yard like a cable car full of terror.'
HACK #3: What about then, instead of him getting fat, what about the opposite? He doesn't like the prison food, he's losing weight and maybe even doing exercises...
HACK #1: Chin-ups. With his hook.
ALL HACKS TOGETHER: 'ABS HAMZA'.
ED: Perfect. OK, let's have a couple of hundred words on that, lever in a couple of quotes from concerned relatives, something about six-packs and pecs and maybe a quote from Mr Motivator. Picture of Hamza's head on Prince Naseem's body. There's our exclusive. Excellent work. Well done, everybody. Now. How are we getting on with 'Three Blind Moss'?