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Home > Media

The TFT Guide To... The Return of Noel Edmonds

30 August 2006

In a career trajectory that's beginning to resemble that of Alan Partridge, Noel Edmonds is to return to the BBC for the first time in seven years for ‘National Lottery Day’. BBC1 controller Peter Fincham commented: 'It is great to have him back. This marks the beginning of a new chapter between Noel and the channel.' Fincham then denied rumours that Edmonds will be hosting a new show called 'Monkey Tennis'. But what will Noel's exciting new light entertainment projects consist of? TFT speculates...

...

1) Noel kicks off his new career at the BBC by settling some old scores: retired BBC executives responsible for the axing of 'Noel's House Party' are symbolically 'executed' in a gunk tank.

2) Noel replicates the success of the witless guessing game 'Deal Or No Deal' with a show in which contestants have to guess a number between one and 10 million then burst into tears when they get it wrong, as though it's in some way their fault and they've let everyone down.

3) Noel is criticised for a gaffe that occurs when a member of the public shows him a picture of their disabled child. 'Is that a bennie tied to a post? No? Well in that case it must be a bennie on the loose!' quips Noel, before realising his mistake and clumsily blurting out 'Lovely smile! Always smiling, aren't they, mongs?'

4) Noel denies that his contribution to popular television has largely been recycling other people's bad ideas as he returns to primetime BBC1 on Saturday nights with 'Noel's Late, Late Mansion Party', ostensibly set in the fictional hamlet of Krinkley Scrotum. The show includes:

- Tiresome pranks, e.g. Frank Carson is invited on the show, only to discover the light in his dressing room keeps flickering off;

- A video link to a living room in deepest, darkest Chavsville, where a family of sportwear-clad morons have just been told by a panicked assistant producer to stop approvingly discussing the murder of Stephen Lawrence seconds before they go on air;

- Unfunny sketches with long-forgotten 'celebrities', e.g. Noel's new 'housekeeper' turns out to be... Janice Long!

- Some drivel featuring 'cute' children, e.g. a child having to answer questions about their family, during which most viewers start to believe that time has slowed down, or quite possibly stopped, while Noel looks on with all the manic glee of a child molester on their first trip to Thailand.

- Joey from 'Bread' having to grab money inside a Perspex box, or something.

- Mr Globby.

5) Noel's 'new chapter' at the BBC comes to an abrupt end when the hopeless egomaniac demands a daily three-hour show devoted to his strange new spiritual beliefs, in which viewers are encouraged to call a premium-rate phone line and 'Praise Noel!'



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