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Home > Music

Bring me the head of Britney Spears

Society is going to heck in a handcart and someone has to pay. It might as well be Britney Spears.

17 October 2003

October, as you may or may not be aware, is Domestic Violence Awareness Month, the one month of the year in which we grant battered family members all over the world a special, temporary place in our hearts. One of the people helping to increase our awareness is Kendel Ehrlich, wife of the governor for Maryland. No less.

Last week at a domestic violence conference, Mrs Ehrlich decided to lighten the mood by expressing a deeply held desire to shoot Britney Spears. Ehrlich wants Britney dead because she is not a very good role model for - wait for it - "the children."

Ehrlich, 42, was actually trying to make a reasonable enough point - that she believed in "educating our women to get as much schooling as possible, to not become dependent on anyone else. It is incredibly important to get that message to young women. You know, really, if I had an opportunity to shoot Britney Spears, I think I would..."

That's what she thinks. That if she Britney walking near, she would unhook her jacket, draw, aim and shoot.

Simple. And it's not like she couldn't create such an opporunity. Wife of the governer of Maryland? She should throw a fundraiser. Loiter behind the curtains with a snub-nosed .357 -- but of course, she's probably imagined this scenario and many more, as she sits in the library long into the small hours, cleaning the chambers and checking the firing mechanism is nice and smooth...

Mrs Ehrlich would presumably also like to shoot and kill butt-grinding flesh-flashing Beyonce Knowles. If so, she is wasting her ire, because as far as Beyonce is concerned, Mrs Ehrlich can go fuck herself. And the reason Beyonce can afford to be so cavalier is that, according to Wednesday’s Sun at least, her provocative dancing is absolutely fine by God. Beyonce told the Sun that He actually enjoys it when she shakes her bootilicious fat arse and shoves it in some virile young gangster's crotch. This for God is wholesome entertainment. What He won't stand for however, is Beyonce "kissing girls." Not that He's prejudiced or anything. He just gets a little too turned on by lesbians, that's all.

But whether Beyonce likes it or not, her loose and slutty rump-tumbling dance routines are turning our daughters not only into tarty little whores, but also into passive victims of domestic violence. Long after Mrs Ehrlich had apologised for voicing the murderous desires of millions, award-winning columnist Adrienne
Washington took up where she left off, bemoaning in the Washington Times the loose morals of today’s pop tarts. She wrote of how tough it was "to raise responsible, respectful children today while competing with compromising messages courtesy of gyrating hoochie-mama singers, gangsta rappers, bang-bang-shoot-'em-up video games and grown-up greedy corporate pirates
and raiders." She’s a strange one, this Adrienne Washington, but basically she agrees with Ehrlich that kids need decent role models – pop stars who cover up, read the Bible and never smoke, drink, fuck or cuss. If they existed, she argues, women would grow up suitably empowered and would consequently be in a much better position to do something proactive if their husband started knocking them about.

Hey, if it’ll mean Britney Spears getting shot, we’re happy to go along with it.


Hit Me, Baby, One More Time:

www.afunny.com/brit2.html



Comment on this article: letters@thefridaything.co.uk

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