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Home > Music

WAWIBF: The Jehovah's Witness formerly known as Prince

Bored with making the funkiest music on the planet, Prince has taken to ringing doorbells and handing out leaflets. Well, it's a change...

18 October 2003

At the end of the day, when push comes to shove, internationally renowned superstars are just ordinary people, prone to the same anxieties, fears and foibles as the rest of us. That's why when Winona goes shoplifting, or when Rush Limbaugh gets himself hooked on painkillers, or when premier league footballers gang-rape someone, we shouldn’t be too surprised. they're only human. The only real difference between them and us is that they can usually afford to stay out of jail. However, money can only do so much. One thing it can't do, apart from buy you love (which is open to debate) is combat madness.

In May 2001, Prince finally made the leap from pretentious borderline loon to fully fledged mentally ill person when he signed over his soul, and presumably his fortune, to the Jehovah's Witnesses. Then, apart from releasing an album of Jehovah-smooth funk called Rainbow Children, he went very quiet. Aside from that album, the only concession to his newfound Witness status seemed to be the fact that he had publicly renounced many of the saucier tracks from his back catalogue. Yet even on his Rainbow album, along with this kind of drivel: "Don't let nobody bring u down / Accurate knowledge of Christ and the Father / Will bring the Everlasting Now," there is also this kind of drivel: "I could dance 4 u / a little comical minuet / If u desire I'll shed my attire / Anything 2 get u wet," which is hardly the kind of talk befitting a man who has genuinely witnessed Jehovah. But thankfully this week the doubters were silenced when a Minneapolis couple who were door-stepped by Prince himself, did the honourable thing and went to the press.

At first the couple imagined that the three-foot-one-inch blood-spurning jerk was interested in using their house for one of his pop videos, but they were quickly disabused of this notion when immediately after introducing himself, the homo-detesting homunculus went straight into his God bit. The woman, name of Rochelle, tried to cut him off. She explained that it was the night of Yom Kippur, that she and her husband were practising Jews, and that the Minnesota Vikings had just gained possession.

But the tiny little man has been trained well. Instead of apologising and leaving these lost souls to rot in their Hebrew hell, he said, in his Jehovah-witnessing Minnie Mouse shambles of a voice, "Can I just finish?" Twenty-five minutes later, and he was done. He left a pamphlet.

Presumably, he told Rochelle and her husband about how Jesus loved them, about how the wicked would be destroyed, about how only people of which God personally approves will receive everlasting life, about how these chosen few will number a mere 144,000, and about how these 144,000 will ascend to heaven, where they will rule with Christ and be born again as spiritual sons of God. A hundred and forty-four thousand of them. And how many Jehovah's Witnesses are there? Around six million. That's a lot of disappointed witnesses. Logically, Prince and the rest should be trying to keep the numbers down, to increase their chances of ruling with Christ. Wankers.

As far as anyone is aware, Rochelle and her husband are still Jews.

No Ruling With Christ For Them:


The latest twist in the Prince-Jehovah tale is discussed by Baxter and his faithful fish:


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