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Home > Music

Oops, I do

6 January 2004

The best thing about alcohol, apart from the way it numbs the pain of existence, is that it can strip away the gloss of celebrity faster than Liza Minnelli can say “come here David, you bitch!”

With each dizzy glug, the carefully-styled exterior falls away, and puddles round their celebrity ankles like a pair of loose pants. The celebrity stands before us, naked and swaying, a celebrity hand reaches out shakily for a lamppost, and a little trickle of celebrity wee wends its way unnoticed down an unsteady celebrity leg.

Alcohol gives us a glimpse of the real person underneath the face paint. For example, a classy cocktail of champagne, red wine, vodka and Red Bull and Aftershock showed us the lowlife screeching thug inside Cheryl Tweedy.

The star was described as ‘hysterical’ as she shouted abuse, calling the woman ‘you fucking bitch’ and bragging ‘my father owns this place’. Patricia Lees, prosecuting, told the court Tweedy had been ‘tanked up by her own self-importance’ after the success of the band.

Grubby little scrubber.

Likewise, too many mini-bottles of gin gave us a priceless window in the mind of REM guitarist Peter Buck, who went mental on a transatlantic flight, shouting “I am REM” and trying to steal wine:

According to witnesses, Buck attacked cabin staff, splattered them with yoghurt, attempted to leave the aircraft at 35,000 ft, upended a hostess trolley after failing to play a CD on it, swore at the captain and ripped up a "yellow card" warning him to behave or face arrest.

And now, Britney.

In a baseball cap and ‘fashionable’ torn jeans, drunkenly marrying her childhood friend, Jason Alexander, at the Little White Chapel in Las Vegas. The hiccupping couple turned up at the chapel, found out they needed a licence, were driven to the Las Vegas courthouse where they got the necessary paperwork, and it was back to the chapel for the nuptials.

This revealed two things about Britney, that we’ve all long suspected:

  1. She’s about as slutty as blueberry pie. She gets completely pissed and does what? Chucks a television into the hotel pool? Punches David Gest? No. She marries her childhood sweetheart. Rock and roll!
  2. She’s not cool. Rolling up drunk and giggly to a Las Vegas chapel and getting hitched is the sort of thing Ross from Friends does. It’s just… not very funny. It’s really rather sad. Ironic weddings are had by tragic, unfunny people. “Ohmygod, we’re so kooky we’re getting married under water!!” Oh, shut up.

Now, if Britney had really wanted to be cool, she should have got drunk and shot her childhood sweetheart in the head with a pearl-handled revolver. That’s what Phil Spector would have done. And no one is cooler than Phil.

Comment on this article: letters@thefridaything.co.uk

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