Sean Copland: eating the rich
Sean Copland is curious chap. To paraphrase Churchill, he is a riddle wrapped in a mystery inside an enema.
11 July 2003
Sean Copland loves enemas. He loves bums in general. Nothing mysterious about that, you cry. We all love bums! But what distinguishes Sean Copland is that he combines an urgent love of bums with a burning hatred of New Labour and Republican politics, and writes about both on his extraordinary porno pay-site: Eat The Rich.
No one comes out of Eat The Rich looking good. Not Bush, not Blair, not the Germans writhing about with excrement on their faces, not Sean, not women, not men: "Aren't cocks a really gross piece of biological engineering? Why the fuck did God make them that way, and why the fuck are birds so keen on touching, kissing, licking, and sucking them? It's because they're fucking dirty, that's why. Dirty, filthy, nasty little fuck sluts!"
You get the idea. Eat The Rich is not for the fainthearted. Or for those who prefer it when women aren't constantly reduced to the level of ravenous cock whores. In fact, we recommend you don't go there. Or read this interview.
You have been warned...
> Where were you born?
5 Beauchamp Avenue, Bridgemary, Gosport, on the 30th June 1969.
> Where was your favourite place to hang out as a kid?
The green outside my house in Nutley Road. I spent many a long summer evening playing bulldog, football, and throwing dutch arrows as far as the eye could see. In the summer holidays my gran used to take us (me my two sisters, and sometimes my cousin) to Leigh Park gardens because we couldn't afford to go to Spain like rich kids do. It was a seemingly long and arduous journey, on account of the fact that our legs were so small. When we got there we used to roll down the hill toward the lake at the bottom. You'd start off slowly, but soon you'd gather momentum, and the big lake at the bottom would get nearer and nearer with each roll, and the rolling would get faster and faster. It always seemed as though you'd end up rolling straight into the pond, but somehow you never did. It was terrifying, but fun.
We were really poor, and gran used to bring a big bottle of orange juice for refreshment. We'd always ask her if we could have an ice lolly, and she'd tell us to drink the orange juice instead, so we'd drink it all as fast as we could and ask her for an ice lolly again, and when she'd say "drink your orange juice", we'd say "we can't, we've drunk it all" hoping she'd cave in and buy us an ice lolly, but she was a stern granny (some might say too stern), and she was wise to the ways of kids on the want, so she'd tell us to fill the empty bottle up with water from the toilets instead. One day, when I'm rich and famous, I'm going to go back to Leigh Park gardens in the summer, and I'm going to buy myself an ice lolly. If I ever get *really* rich, I'll hire Des Lynam for the day, and he can recite 'If' with The Three Tenors singing Nessun Dorma in the background, as I unwrap it and eat it.
> Who was your best friend?
My first ever best friend was a little black kid called Scott. I used to hang out with him in infant school, but he moved away to St Helena or something. I was lost without him.
> Who is your favourite sportsman, and why?
It depends what sport it is though. If it's boxing, it's Muhammad Ali. If it's yank bashing, it has to be Harold Pinter.
> What was the first bit of porn you remember seeing?
Deep Throat with Linda Lovelace. I can't remember how old I was (about 10 or something), but it left me with a deep rooted feeling of inadequacy. All the blokes had huge cocks, and we were all sitting around saying "Yeah, that's how big mine is when it's hard" but none of us had even started puberty! It's an inadequacy that's stuck with me for life. To this very day I've never actually 'fucked' a woman. I feel I have to overperform in the foreplay stakes and make sure the woman's satisfied before I can get on with pleasing myself. I wish I was a bit more selfish in that respect.
> Are you only in it for the money?
What money? Did you see my last update? I'm owed thousands! I'm on the dole too, so it's not a cost I can easily swallow. I'll probably be moving soon (get away from all those nasty credit card debts). If there's a tart with a heart reading this who's got a spare room they could put me in, contact me:
(I'm not joking.)
> What turns you on?
> Do you think porn is degrading to women?
A pointless argument. Working in a sweat shop for the minimum wage is far more degrading (to both men and women), but somehow nobody ever mentions that. To be honest, I thought that argument (along with 'it encourages rape') died out years ago. These days, I don't think it's a question of whether or not it's degrading, it's more a question of are they getting ripped off? - (which they probably are if my experience is anything to go by).
> What's your biggest turn-off?
Selfishness. It's the root of all evil. Look back throughout your life at everyone that's ever pissed you off, and why, and their selfishness will ultimately be the cause of it.
> Do you have a favourite type of cheese?
On toast... with tomatoes. Preferably a mild vegetarian cheddar.
> Have you ever been to Peru?
No, isn't that were Paddington Bear comes from?
> Are you a leg man?
Definitely. Long and slender, the way God intended. 7 foot 6 in their stockings is the ideal for me.
> What is your favourite song lyric?
'If' by Rudyard Kipling. I know it's a poem, but Desmond Lynam put it to music once, so it counts as a song too.
> What (if anything) makes America great?
Timothy McVeigh - Patron Saint of Waco:
Martin Luther King, Malcolm X, Thomas Jefferson, Rosa Parks etc. Basically anyone who does something about the injustices of the world, even if it's just speaking out. Sean Penn seems to be the only one doing that at the moment.
> Where do you see yourself in 10 years?
Sitting in the gutter shaking my fist at the sky, or graduating from the nearest Al-Qaeda flight school, one of the two. Hopefully, in the next ten years, someone will have invented honest and reliable no bullshit credit card processing, so I won't have to do either, and I can make a comeback.
> If you could go back in time and change one thing that you did or didn't do, what would it be?
Nothing. It may sound slightly arrogant, but the fact is everything I've ever done (or didn't do) has gone on to make me the person I am today, and I'm don't have any problems with myself. It's other people I have problems with.
> What is your strongest held moral belief?
There's only one true law, and that's God's law. It's simple in theory, but in practise most people break it on a daily basis... God's basic, primary law is the allowance of maximum freedom, but not the freedom to abuse (you're infringing on other peoples freedom then, and if you do that you have no right to moan when they infringe yours). The only time that law may be broken is in order to uphold it.
> What most annoys you about New Labour?
The bullshit. It's the same old Tory policies (taking from the poor to give to the rich), but with the demonic grinning face of Tony Blair stamped all over it. I hate all this 'new' shit. 'New' Labour, 'new' deal, 'new' Europe, 'new' Iraq. It's like 'new' Christianity, isn't it? A bit like the old one, but with Satan as
the good guy!
> What are your views on the War against Iraq?
It was never really a war against Iraq. Ultimately, it was a war against the UN, which, despite it's failings, at least offered some form of democracy to the worlds population. Now, the UN is little or no more than some form of Oxfam type organisation, and the world is ruled directly by Washington, which may be fine for Americans, but for those of us with no representation in Washington, it's a brutal military dictatorship.
> If you were magically transformed into a duck or a parrot or a trout, which would it be?
Not exactly a wide ranging choice, is it? I think I'd like to be a little monkey, because girls think they're cute, and go all gooey over them. I'd like to be a monkey that lives inside Pamela Anderson's cleavage. She could take me to Hollywood parties, and I'd throw things, and shout abuse at passing Republicans, and she'd love me all the more for it.
Poor old Sean, as you may have gathered, is having trouble with his credit card transactions, and he asked us to make this appeal on his behalf:
If any of your readers work in the city and can raise a few million in start up costs, maybe they can contact me (you'll be taking more than that on a monthly basis once you're established):
There's a desperate need for an honest reliable adult credit card processor, not just for me but for everyone else too. You can read about my problems here:
The returns are huge, and there's no real competition at the moment. If people like lastminute.com can raise a few million for their piss poor e-commerce ventures I see no reason why someone setting up as an adult third party cc processor can't raise similar sums of cash too. Porn sells - that's a fact.