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Home > People

The TFT Guide To... Killing Diana

The Friday Thing

24 October 2003

Was there a plot to kill Diana? Of course there fucking wasn't, but it won’t stop Paul 'Milky Milky' Burrell and Piers 'Sincerity incarnate' Morgan wringing a few more quid out of the corpse of Everyone’s Favourite Princess (except for princesses Grace and Leia). Still, if there had been a plot by the House of Windsor to whack the witless Sloane, how did they plan to do it?


1) Booby-trap Elton John.

2) Spring Dando-killer Barry George from prison, informing him that 'your work is not yet done'. (NB. It’s probably worth providing protective custody for Carol Smilie, Kate Thornton and Carol Vorderman at this point. Or not.)

3) In much the same way that Wile E. Coyote would attempt to get the Road Runner to run into a solid rock face by unfurling a picture of a tunnel on it, Diana could be similarly tempted to dash her brains out by painting a picture of 'an exclusive Knightsbridge gym' on a brick wall.

4) Get a top hitman to stake out Diana’s favourite brasserie, concealing himself on a nearby roof with a sniper’s rifle. Just as he gets Di in his sights, an innocent bystander inadvertently blocks his line of fire. He manages to get Di in his sights again and begins to squeeze the trigger - only to be stopped in the nick of time by Kevin Costner/ Clint Eastwood/ Keanu Reeves.

5) Encourage Di to starve herself to death by getting her to marry into a dysfunctional family of inbreeds, plant whisperers and hoorays.



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