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Home > People

TFT Meets... Charlie Brooker

21 December 2003

He's the man who told TV to Go Home, he's been named and shamed in The News of The World as a paedophile for his work with Chris Morris, and he's a fabulous dancer.

The Friday Thing met Charlie in Sunderland, where he lives with his aunts, and asked him some questions. He answered them with gusto:

> Does the Unnovations book have any hidden extras or 'Easter Eggs' - like the flight simulator in Excel 97?

If you slice up the pages carefully with a razor blade, and re-arrange the words, you can create a short Harry Potter story in which he loses his magical powers and tumbles down a riverbank.

> What is your favourite Unnovation?

The shop-front disguise that enables the wearer to catch invisible prostitutes. Partly because it's so hard to explain what it is without the picture.

> How many things have you invented this week?

I just invented a new action hero: he's a genetically-engineered police frogman who lives in a canal and surprises murderers trying to dispose of corpses in the middle of the night. Actually, I suppose that's not an invention. I once built a spider-killing device which consisted of a candle sellotaped to the end of a mop handle.

> In what three ways are you a better inventor than Sir Clive Sinclair?

1) The things I come up with are supposed to look ridiculous.

2) I have no interest whatsoever in chess, which he probably does.

3) I don't look like that ginger weatherman off News 24 (the one Sir Clive Sinclair looks like)

> In your eyes, what is the most significant innovation of the last 20 years?

Cashpoint beggars.

> What is your favourite tinned meat product?

That cheap bolognese that's actually quite palatable in a jacket potato. That or Clits in Aspic, which they sell in Chile, apparently.

> Tell us more about the Kiss Mammal.

You can also download tunes for it to whistle while you have sex with it.

> Can you give us an example of some feedback from a satisfied customer?

Someone from a self-harm website once emailed, imploring us to remove a 'novelty self-harm cutter' from the Unnovations website, on the grounds it might 'trigger' self-harmers into cutting themselves. We did actually remove it.

> What handy invention could stop the war with Iraq?

Mobile Quaker meeting houses.

> Are you afraid of flying?

Of course. It's simply not right. My tip on any long flight is to retain the knife you get with the meal; in the event of a crash, you can jam it through your eye and into your brain shortly before impact, so you don't have the inconvenience of burning to death.

> Tell us something true about one of your neighbours.

I once heard someone shouting 'RAPE!' repeatedly from a house out the back of mine. I called the police, who arrived, stood in my kitchen, listened out, then went round to call on them. Later they came round and said that they'd called on the house in question and a woman opened the door and said everything was fine. Not a funny story, but a true one. Oh - I once glanced out of my window during breakfast and saw a man being fellated in a nearby window. That's also true, and somewhat nicer. And it wasn't the same house.

> What is the future for computers?

Bendy mice.

Remember: you heard it hear first.

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