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Home > People

Sir John Stevens, detective extrodinaire

30 April 2004

Defending himself against the claim that his investigation into the death of Diana is a PR stunt, Met chief Sir John Stevens told the press that witness accounts and police reports weren't enough in the Di case, and 'you have to come to the scene and see what happened'.

That should be news to the entire legal system. Will every court case now involve a visit to the scene of whatever crime has been committed? 'We cannot pass judgement on the scuffle that is alleged to have occurred at Costa's Kebabs of Wimbledon until we have seen with our own eyes what a kebab shop looks like.' Or will visits to crime scenes only occur when the officer in charge gets to raise his own profile, stay in a nice hotel and eat top-notch grub?

This may sound cynical, but what other reason is there for Sir John going to gay Paris? In the French investigation into Di's death, around 100 experts of various types were called in, and the authorities employed the same thoroughness that the British authorities would have. More recently, the barmy conspiracy allegations of Mohammed Al Fayed have been thoroughly debunked.

Has Sir John been watching too many detective movies? Is he expecting to uncover some hidden piece of evidence overlooked by the gormless Gallic plods? And if so, what will it be? TFT imagines the scene:

- Sir John will be sitting in his four-star hotel room, when a chance occurrence causes him to make a mental connection that hadn't occurred to anyone else, eg. 'I'm a bit peckish. Let's see. Dial 221 for room service... room... room... ROOM! That's it! Did anyone bother to search the tunnel for a hidden room where Diana and Dodi have been living ever since to escape the paparazzi?'

- Using Popeye Doyle-style 'unconventional' policing methods, Sir John cruises the seedy underworld of Paris, chain-smoking and drinking Pastis enigmatically until he finally beats the truth out of a French pimp, who reveals that Di is hopelessly addicted to heroin and is currently selling 100F blowjobs in a squalid
backstreet brothel. Sir John rescues Diana in a bloody shoot-out, falls in love with her and they become King and Queen of England.

(We added the last bit in case any American TV movie producers would like to enter into negotiations for a 're-imagining' of the Diana story.)


- Sir John discovers there's a far-fetched logic underlying the death of Diana, based on the signs of the Zodiac/the seven deadly sins/Alan Shearer's goal-scoring record.



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