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Home > People

WAWIBF... The Olsens

26 June 2004

Six months ago they were named two of the most powerful 100 women in Hollywood and valued at forty million dollars each. Since then, they have released another film, turned eighteen and one of them has got sick. Mary-Kate. The skinny one. Apparently she's anorexic.

Now while ordinarily we wouldn't wish a potentially fatal disorder on anyone (except Kilroy), in this case we make a well-advised exception. How can we be so heartless, you wonder? Let us explain: the Olsen Twins, not to put too fine a point on it, are Evil. No, it's true. They are the only twins in history for whom the question, 'Which one's the evil one?' must necessarily be answered, 'They both are'.

And if the fact that they are responsible for some of the most awful and some of the most popular American tat of the last two decades is not proof enough (which to be fair, it isn't), then consider the fact that their manager - the man who transformed them from poorly-paid infants into staggeringly-overpaid mega-brands - shares the same name as Gregory Peck's Satan-fathering character in The Omen films: Robert Thorne. Yes. Now you're worried.

Ashley and Mary-Kate Olsen started out in show-business at nine months old. Their first job was playing a single baby in a sit-com called Full House. They have since made over forty TV shows, films and video products. They have created their own home-video and merchandising dynasty. They sell videos, CDs and books, clothes, cosmetics, perfume and flip-flops. They sell everything.

They are Hollywood's youngest ever producers. They are the most financially successful child stars of all time, making Macauley Culkin look like Gordon the Gopher. Later this year - if no-one stops them - they will go to New York University and study money and world domination under the Reverend Sun Myung Moon.

Yesterday Ashley cancelled a publicity tour for their latest film in Australia to be with Mary-Kate, who is currently - allegedly - being treated for anorexia. We don't believe it. We don't know what exactly is going on, but we know it's not good. They say they can't wait to vote. In this and in all other things, THEY
MUST BE STOPPED.


SOMEONE MUST STOP THEM.


PLEASE.



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