2001-2008
Home
Main
- About TFT
Friday Thing Archive
- Politics
- Media
- Culture and Society
- War On Terror
- People
- Places
- World
- Popped Clogs
- Music
- Books
- Film
- Etc
Help And Info
- Contact Details
- Advertising
- Jobs
- Privacy Policy
- XML Feed

Home > People

An open letter to Paula Radcliffe

27 August 2004

Dear Paula,

We, the English nation, feel your pain and disappointment almost as acutely as you do. But the fact remains, you have brought shame on yourself and us.

It is important to keep a sense of perspective about sporting events. But, by not being the best runner, you have negated not only the concept of 'perspective', but also honour and morality. If you had even the slightest sense of decency, there would only be one word on your mind: suicide.

You claim to be 'devastated' after running 26km before being overwhelmed by fatigue and despair. But what is your suffering compared with the suffering of the loyal viewers who crowded round their television sets eating their tea? Some of these fans may even have missed a favourite programme, such as Coronation Street, or Heartbeat, to watch your shameful display of self-
indulgence.

Frankly, it makes us sick.

You weep, Paula, and we weep with you. But we do not weep FOR you. We weep tears of frustration because we can't string you from the nearest lamppost, after beating you with flails made from barbed wire.

That would be a proportionate, nay, lenient, response.

You say you are 'sorry for letting everyone down'. But these are just empty words. We're all sorry, Paula, but only you can remove the stain from your soul by killing yourself, or at the very least allowing yourself to be bricked up in your own home. Here you shall remain for the rest of your pitiable life, subsisting on rotten vegetables pushed through the letterbox by misguided fools who wrongly believe you deserve their kindness.

You are a black-hearted demon.

Public repentance is all very well. But your repentance has a hollow ring to it, like the repentance of Ian Brady. Will saying 'sorry' bring back Keith Bennett and Leslie Ann Downey?

No. No it won't, any more than your 'apologies' will bring back that potential gold medal.

It's time to grow up, Paula. But, more importantly, it's time to die.

You know what you have to do.

May you rot in Hell.


Yours sincerely,

The British Nation and Media.



Comment on this article: letters@thefridaything.co.uk

Subscribe to The Friday Thing for free


 ABOUT THE FRIDAY THING
Bad words ahead The Friday Thing is a weekly email comment sheet. Casting a cynical eye over the week's events, it is rarely fair and never balanced.

A selection of articles from each week's issue appear online, but to enjoy the full Thing, delivered by email every Friday - as well as access to almost five years of back issues - you'll need to subscribe. It's absolutely free.

READERS WRITE
"Razor-sharp comment and gossip." - The Sunday Times

"Hilariously cynical..To describe it as 'irreverent' is to do the newsletter an injustice." - The Observer

"Sharp, intelligent, opinionated, uncompromising and very, very funny. Just like 'Private Eye' used to be." - Alec McKelland

"Wicked" - Channel 4

"Ace" - Time Out

"'We rise once again in advocacy of The Friday Thing. We realize that some of you may be unwilling to spend [your money] on plain-text comment, but you're only depriving yourself." - The Minor Fall, The Major Lift

"Subscribing to this at the beginning of the year was undoubtedly one of the better decisions I've made. Superlative, and utterly marvellous. I look forward to Fridays now, because I can't wait for the next issue. Fucking fucking brilliant." - Meish.org

"Featuring writers from The Observer, Smack The Pony and The 11 O'Clock Show... will continue to attract new subscribers sight unseen" - NeedToKnow

"The Friday Thing is so good it's stopping me from doing a bunk of a Friday afternoon." - Annie Blinkhorn (The Erotic Review)

"So now" - The Evening Standard

"Damn it, you rule. May you never, ever back down." - Paul Mayze

"Ace" - PopJustice

"Snarky" - Online Journalism Review

"Can you please stop making me laugh out loud... I'm supposed to be working, you know!" - Tamsin Tyrwhitt

"Your coverage of stuff as it spills is right on the money." - Mike Woods

"Popbitch with A-Levels." - Tim Footman

"In an inbox full of trite work-related nonsense, TFT shines from under its subject heading like the sun out of Angus Deayton's arse." - Nikki Hunt

"A first rate email. It's become an integral part of my week, and my life would be empty and meaningless without it (well, *more* empty and meaningless anyway)." - Mark Pugh

"Genius, absolute bit of class. And you can quote me on that." - Lee Neville

"If you're hipper than hell, this is what you read." - MarketingSherpa

"The most entertaining email I've had all week. Great tone." - Matthew Prior

"A massive and engrossing wit injection." - idiotica.co.uk

"I wouldn't know satire if it bit me on the arse. But I did like the Naomi Campbell joke." - Matt Kelly (The Mirror)

"Has had an understandably high profile among people who know about these things." - Guy Clapperton (Guardian Online)

"Satirical sideswipes at the burning issues of the day." - Radio 5 Live

"Puerile and worthless... Truly fabulous... Do read the whole thing." - Stephen Pollard

The Friday Thing 2001-2008 - All Rights Reserved