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Home > People

Noel Edmonds: This is your week

23 January 2005

For reasons long forgotten, an old friend of this TFT contributor once went up in a hot-air balloon with Noel Edmonds. He was quite young at the time - the friend, that is - and all he seemed to remember when retelling the tale as an adult was how different Edmonds was in the flesh.

And I quote: 'In real life, Edmonds is a tiny, *tiny* little man.' Apparently he couldn't even see over the side of the basket they were in, and had to perch himself on a bag of sand. Not quite so small that he might lose himself inside a biscuit barrel, but certainly small enough 'to squeeze into a bedpan'. And how very like a discarded bedpan the diminutive entertainer must feel this week, having suffered the indignity of a front page splashing by the Sunday Gestapo. 'Our revelations are sure to devastate Noel,' they gloated. And devastate they most certainly did. For this is the week that the flaccid cheeks of the crinkly bottom of Noel's 18-year marriage were prised apart, and its chocolate starfish was publicly pillaged by a wapping great celebrity lens.

Noel and Helen were already in the process of divorcing of course. This news was released to the press a couple of weeks ago with the words, 'No other party is involved and they intend to remain close friends.' Sadly for Noel, the News of the World simply couldn't bear the thought of a celebrity's marriage being allowed a graceful, dignified demise, so they did a little snooping. Poor old Noel. To be cuckolded by one's wife's pilates instructor is one thing, but by a pilates instructor who also likes dressing up as a lady? Not even Noel Edmonds deserved such ignominy. Hold on a sec. We were thinking of John Craven. Yes.
Edmonds had it coming.

Stuart Lord is the 'bisexual cross-dresser'. The other wronged party, aside from Noel, is Lord's girlfriend, Sarah Dyson. However, she managed to take some cold revenge by washing her boyfriend's knickers in Celebrity Dachau. She spilled all of the beans about how within weeks of starting pilates sessions with regular church-goer Helen Edmonds, Lord and Edmonds were having 'full sex'. Apparently Lord broke down on Christmas Eve and confessed all. He told his girlfriend how he and the wife of TV legend Edmonds had gargled one another's sex-gunge 'all over the place, in vehicles, in a car park on the moor.' Everywhere.

'Yes,' Dyson confirmed. 'It was full-on.' She also let it be known that Lord is into 'group sex and wearing girlie knickers, stockings and everything... He's been to fetish parties like that. He also loved rubber, being tied up, whipped, spanked, wearing nipple clamps, basically everything. He even had a thing about clingfilm.' Even clingfilm. The man is a monster.

All of this must have hurt Noel so much more than it might have hurt, say, Angus Deayton, for Noel is famously one of showbiz's biggest prudes. Last summer he had a pop at Sara Cox, slamming her as 'crude'. 'She talks about 'shagging..,' he fumed, 'a word I wouldn't dream of using in public. She is coarse and unpleasant ... very 'yesterday...' Well, yesterday Noel's wife is believed not only to have been shagging Stuart Lord, but also to have pissed and shat all over his clingfilmed face as Lord plugged himself into the mains and attached fat pasties to his massive balls.

Poor old Noel. He's always been a rather tragic figure, even at the height of his powers. Despite the fact that his career outshone that of most of his Radio 1 contemporaries, he somehow never quite managed to make anyone like him. He lacked the boyish charm of Tony Blackburn, the raw pulsing talent of DLT, the electric weirdness of Jimmy Saville and the homespun respectability of Diddy David Hamilton. And tragically, no-one has ever had a good word to say about him. Even saintly Maggie Philbin once described him as 'a total cunt'. But he always had Helen. His rock.

Now it's all over.

According to one of his staff, for the first time since she has known him, Noel has allowed his beard to grow unkempt. And she swears he's getting shorter.



Comment on this article: letters@thefridaything.co.uk

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