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Home > People

Pope goes, the weasel

10 April 2005

Well, it's been almost a full week now and, as we go to press with this very special Tribute Issue, the Pope is still dead. Rumours that he was due to rise up from his crimson catafalque, Christlike, on Monday afternoon, dance a limber-bodied jig of Latinate lust and recite 200 twat-heavy tongue-twisters in twenty-six tongues turned out to be baseless. Instead he simply lay around in state, oblivious.

In death as in doddering life, the Pope spent the week being - frankly speaking - a bloody nuisance, bringing everybody down, achieving absolutely nothing and seemingly content to be gawped at by a bunch of simple-minded peasant folk and self-serving politicians. Still, as he is finally well and truly down, we thought we might take this opportunity to give him a damn good kicking.

They're buried him today, as you probably know. You may have caught something on the news. Speaking of which, there has actually been some other news this week, including something about some election or other. But yes, you're right, nothing remotely important. Spare a prayer of goodwill then for the Pope, on this his special day. Bow your head the better to stifle your smiles as he is pompously encrypted in a system of coffins which cost more than your house and education combined. As you genuflect in sadness, reflect in gladness on one of Christ's ballsier assertions, that it is easier for a camel to pass through the eye of a needle than for a rich Pope encased in a triple-tier zinc and walnut casket spectacular to enter the Kingdom of Heaven.

Indeed there can be absolutely no doubt that the Pope is not at this moment relaxing in paradise. Rather, as fitting reward for his extensive and chronic crimes against humanity, and for committing them all under the tricksy cloak of Christian charity, the Pope is currently perched proudly on the right patella of Satan, suckling happily at one his Lord and Master's multitudinous prickly peckers. Peter Tatchell knows this only too well. This week the outspoken gay activist reminded us, lest we forget, of John Paul's ‘ceaseless war against the human rights of women and gay people.' He also railed against the fact that ‘millions of children in developing countries are orphans, having lost their parents to AIDS because of the Pope's anti-condom dogma.' This assertion, that via his primitive pronouncements on the inherent ungodliness of protected sex, the Pope directly encouraged the spread of AIDS, is not one we have heard often enough during this past week. We must not forget that the Pope was an irresponsible bastard who really didn't give that much of a damn about real human beings.

Pietro Albano of Nottingham disagrees. He even wrote a letter to commuter rag Metro to have his say. ‘The Pope should not be blamed if people die of [AIDS],' he said. ‘If people want to have sex, then it must be with one partner. If that partner is affected with HIV, it's only wise to prevent the spread of disease by abstaining from sex.' Ah yes. Those famous Catholic traits of Tolerance, Understanding and Sexual Awareness. The Pope would have been proud of Pietro Albano. Just as he would have happily vomited on Peter Tatchell and consigned him to unmerry hell for all eternity.

Bloody nuisance. Irresponsible bastard. Repugnant, misguided old man.

Thank God he's dead.


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