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Home > People

Follow that Pope

10 April 2005

So, to the question on everyone's lips: who oh who will succeed John Paul II to the papal throne? What's that you say? You couldn't give a flying fuck? Not even if your place at the right side of Jebus depended on it? Not even if his successor were a chocolate-covered platinum-plated pope in a pair of edible knickers? Well, alright, maybe then. But that's not likely to happen. And therein beats the heart of the problem, the main reason the Catholic Church has about as much relevance to people's lives today as Fingerbobs.

One thing is for sure however: the new pope, whoever he is, will be some wizened atrophied crone with a headful of hymns and homilies and not much idea about practical solutions to the world's problems. For shame.

And it is a damn shame, as the Catholic Church is now in a wonderful position to put the ghastly reign of the insidiously Satanic John Paul behind it and emerge triumphant from his rotten cocoon legacy of AIDS and child molestation. All they have to do in order to turn over a holy new leaf is demonstrate to the world that they have a modicum of awareness. One very simple solution would to appoint a female pope. The fact that this sounds ludicrous and radical, and you *know* it would never happen, is again, precisely the problem with the church as a whole. But if they did it, they would gain an awful lot of respect from an awful lot of people, and God Himself wouldn't look quite so bad for a while.

We have a recommendation, too: the voluptuous Italian model-cum-actress Monica Bellucci would be ideal. She has already gained her religious wings by turning in a cracking performance as Mary Magdalene in Mad Max 4. Plus she has that dour, self-hating expression so beloved of Catholics the world over. Plus - and this is important - she has great udder-like breasts and looks
phenomenal in skintight leather.

It's a radical solution, sure, but the Vatican suits - or robes - would do well to consider it.

The sexing up of the Catholic Church could be the salvation.

Comment on this article: letters@thefridaything.co.uk

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