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Home > People

Shut Up and Pay!

5 August 2005

High street banks have such contempt for their dumb ruminant customers, it's no wonder the queues are always so long - the sight of each docile sucker shuffling up to the window creates gales of laughter from the staff that can take up to ten minutes to abate. 'We treat you like crap, write you snotty letters which we charge you 25 to read telling you that as you went tenpence over your limit a month ago you've now racked up a hundred quid's worth of extra charges, and *still* you come shambling back? Ha! Fools! Here, have a free pen. Oh no - it's attached to the counter on a little chain! Ha!'

This withering scorn recently spilled over into the horrified face of one Chris Lancaster of Essex when he received a shiny new NatWest debit card bearing the legend 'Mr C Lancaster Dick Head'. Either some computer snafu had confused Chris with Mr Richard Head, or it was the banking equivalent of wanking into the customer's soup. NatWest have 'apologised unreservedly' to poor Mr Lancaster and an investigation has been launched. Hopefully Chris has been sent a 10 HMV voucher, the kind they dish out as bribes to gullible students when opening an account that will eventually see them sawn off at the financial knees.

But perhaps it's time, in these days of surly barstaff and slithering telesales jerks, to ditch the traditional fawning ideals of service, and just tell it like it is. Why should the customer always be right, anyway? If they were, wouldn't they be taking their stupid custom elsewhere instead of griping? Time to start shovelling the snowdrift of little white lies and adopt a policy of total, unflinching honesty. And swearing. Lots of swearing.


1) Fitting room attendants in Topshop to be trained to bellow, 'Of course your arse looks big in that, you fucking silly tart, did you expect to be magically transmogrified into Sarah Jessica Fucking Parker?'

2) Charity muggers to be trained by ex-professional rugby coaches to tackle passers-by as they attempt to scoot away, and to scream as they head pavement-wards, 'Don't you care about starving children, you selfish cunt? I saw you just come out of Greggs you greedy fucker, sign here.'

3) Staff at Toys R Us to make regular tannoy announcements to the effect of Father Christmas not existing, the Tooth Fairy being a myth and life being a long hard thankless slog towards oblivion, followed by further announcements that the shop will be closed and burned down if 'you don't stop fucking snivelling you spoilt midget bastards'.

4) McDonalds staff to spit openly in burgers, refuse to hand them over until stone cold, then kick customers in shins. Twice. Once on each shin. And chin them if they ask for barbecue sauce.

5) Traffic wardens and wheel-clampers to spontaneously combust under the pressure of having to be more than 100% entirely evil.

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