2001-2008
Home
Main
- About TFT
Friday Thing Archive
- Politics
- Media
- Culture and Society
- War On Terror
- People
- Places
- World
- Popped Clogs
- Music
- Books
- Film
- Etc
Help And Info
- Contact Details
- Advertising
- Jobs
- Privacy Policy
- XML Feed

Home > People

The Friday Blog: Girl With a One-track Mind

14 October 2005

This week the Friday Blog comes to you courtesy of Girl With a One-track Mind. Enjoy.

...

MOTHER II
=

I watched the contortionist wrap his legs behind his ears and rest his chin on top of his crotch. One thought immediately came to mind, and I whispered it to the person next to me.

It only occurred to me, a moment later, that the thought I had was of an image of the contortionist sucking his own cock.

And that what I had whispered was,

"I bet he can auto-fellate."

And that the person I had leaned across and said this to, happened to be my mother.

As the realisation of what I had just done began to hit me, the dreaded - most feared - words then came out of my mother's mouth. I watched her lips purse together, and in slow motion-movie-style, say,

"What's Auto-fellate?"

I sat there silent for a moment, and thought of my options.

Lying is not something I am good at, and I tend to avoid doing it due to the sleepless nights of conscience-preying I have following it.

Pleading ignorance wouldn't work either: my mother knows me too well - the only reason I would use a technical term for something is if I actually knew what it meant.

And the truth? Well, I've been in a similar situation to this with her before and it didn't turn out all bad. Surely the best choice.

I leaned over to my mother and said, softly,

"It's when a guy has the ability to suck his own cock."

My mother looked at me, and blushed.

"What?" she said, "I didn't hear you properly. Tell me again."

I silently groaned and wished a hole in the ground would suddenly appear and swallow me up.

"Auto-fellatio is when a guy has the ability to suck his own cock" I repeated, adding, "supposedly two men out of every hundred are able to do it"; as if that statistic would somehow relieve the tension between us of our having such an explicit discussion.

My mother looked at me confused.

I thought it might help if I said no more, so instead, I motioned with my head in a downward bobbing movement to try to show what I was talking about.

It was probably the worst rendition of self-induced oral sex in the history of mime, but I didn't care to show off my cock-sucking skills to my mother; giving her an insight into my particular blow-job technique was not an image I wanted her to carry away in her mind, at any point.

Ever.

Thankfully, my mother stopped blushing and instead slowly nodded in recognition of my explanation/badly performed mime.

But, as if possessed by some kind of truth demon, I then couldn't stop myself blurting out,

"He is definitely able, look at him!" and pointed to the contortionist, as he crab-walked around the stage with his head still resting on his crotch.

My mother turned to look, and I tried to get the image out of my head, that she was at that moment getting an image in her own head of this guy's cock in his own mouth.

This was all becoming far too psychologically complex for me, and when my dad - who was seated the other side of me - then chipped in and said,

"What are you two talking about?",

I felt like I was going to die of embarrassment and self-induced neurosis.

I waited, with a heavy knot in my stomach, for my mother to respond.


"Oh, we were just saying how athletic and fit the performer must be", she explained to my dad. "He is so flexible, isn't he?"

She turned to look back at the contortionist and we all continued watching his amazing performance.

I thought that was the end of it, and hoped I could put this episode behind me.

A moment later though, my mother leaned over to me. "I think you're right," she said and winked at me, before turning back to watch the rest of the show.

-

Copyright Girl With a One-track Mind


...

Read any good blogs recently? Friday Blog suggestions to the address below.



Comment on this article: letters@thefridaything.co.uk

Subscribe to The Friday Thing for free


 ABOUT THE FRIDAY THING
Bad words ahead The Friday Thing is a weekly email comment sheet. Casting a cynical eye over the week's events, it is rarely fair and never balanced.

A selection of articles from each week's issue appear online, but to enjoy the full Thing, delivered by email every Friday - as well as access to almost five years of back issues - you'll need to subscribe. It's absolutely free.

READERS WRITE
"Razor-sharp comment and gossip." - The Sunday Times

"Hilariously cynical..To describe it as 'irreverent' is to do the newsletter an injustice." - The Observer

"Sharp, intelligent, opinionated, uncompromising and very, very funny. Just like 'Private Eye' used to be." - Alec McKelland

"Wicked" - Channel 4

"Ace" - Time Out

"'We rise once again in advocacy of The Friday Thing. We realize that some of you may be unwilling to spend [your money] on plain-text comment, but you're only depriving yourself." - The Minor Fall, The Major Lift

"Subscribing to this at the beginning of the year was undoubtedly one of the better decisions I've made. Superlative, and utterly marvellous. I look forward to Fridays now, because I can't wait for the next issue. Fucking fucking brilliant." - Meish.org

"Featuring writers from The Observer, Smack The Pony and The 11 O'Clock Show... will continue to attract new subscribers sight unseen" - NeedToKnow

"The Friday Thing is so good it's stopping me from doing a bunk of a Friday afternoon." - Annie Blinkhorn (The Erotic Review)

"So now" - The Evening Standard

"Damn it, you rule. May you never, ever back down." - Paul Mayze

"Ace" - PopJustice

"Snarky" - Online Journalism Review

"Can you please stop making me laugh out loud... I'm supposed to be working, you know!" - Tamsin Tyrwhitt

"Your coverage of stuff as it spills is right on the money." - Mike Woods

"Popbitch with A-Levels." - Tim Footman

"In an inbox full of trite work-related nonsense, TFT shines from under its subject heading like the sun out of Angus Deayton's arse." - Nikki Hunt

"A first rate email. It's become an integral part of my week, and my life would be empty and meaningless without it (well, *more* empty and meaningless anyway)." - Mark Pugh

"Genius, absolute bit of class. And you can quote me on that." - Lee Neville

"If you're hipper than hell, this is what you read." - MarketingSherpa

"The most entertaining email I've had all week. Great tone." - Matthew Prior

"A massive and engrossing wit injection." - idiotica.co.uk

"I wouldn't know satire if it bit me on the arse. But I did like the Naomi Campbell joke." - Matt Kelly (The Mirror)

"Has had an understandably high profile among people who know about these things." - Guy Clapperton (Guardian Online)

"Satirical sideswipes at the burning issues of the day." - Radio 5 Live

"Puerile and worthless... Truly fabulous... Do read the whole thing." - Stephen Pollard

The Friday Thing 2001-2008 - All Rights Reserved