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Home > People

Andy McNab: Pants

11 December 2005

Former member of the SAS and Britain's most popular thriller writer, Andy 'Snatch and Grab' McNab is forced to live out his life in silhouette, never daring to lift his face to the public gaze. If he does, his book sales will probably suffer. McNab claims of course that the mystery is necessary in order to protect the lives of those who used to work with him on such illustrious doomed missions as Bravo Two Zero. Odd then that Chris Ryan, who was on the same mission, has absolutely no qualms about showing his face, even going so far as to present television programmes such as the one he made for Sky called 'How Not To Die'.

But then Shifty McNab has never been above a little manipulative fabrication. Indeed, it's how he got going in showbiz in the first place. His first book, his account of the Bravo Two Zero mission, suffers so badly in parts from exaggeration and truth-tinkering that it has even been rubbished by his fellow military missionaries. McNab however, is bigger than mere truth. McNab is a star! A myth! A brand! In fact, McNab is nothing short of the Madonna of ex-soldiering.

So it should come as no surprise that this week the 45 year-old children's author and Sun columnist has revealed that he is about to expand the grand McNab brand once again, and is set to launch a line of ladies' undergarments at next year's London Fashion Week. That's right. After writing pants for over ten years, this trained killer is now set to design them. And who more qualified than such a rampantly heterosexual man? As he pointed out himself this week, 'Heterosexual men know more about women's underwear than women do... Women, frankly, don't have a clue.' And so McNab is going to do the decent thing and give women what they want - 'an underwear range with a sporty, military look'. There will be some use of the camouflage motif, yes, but nothing raunchy.

Well, soldiers sure as hell ain't what they used to be. You can't imagine Montgomery returning from North Africa with Rommel's ears in his pocket, only to go and launch a range of khaki bloomers. And why? Because he was a tensed sphincter of a man, incapable of even uttering the word 'sensitive' without having to give himself a good spanking. Thankfully, times have changed, and Andy McNab is the face of modern combat. One minute he's killing 250 Arabs with his bare teeth, the next he's getting to grips with breast-
weight-gravity-ratio. A man as at home with murder as he is with marketing and mammary glands.

So here's to Andy McNab. May he forever dwell in the shadows, making stuff up and tossing out profitable crap for gullible war-freaks.

Comment on this article: letters@thefridaything.co.uk

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