- About TFT
Friday Thing Archive
- Politics
- Media
- Culture and Society
- War On Terror
- People
- Places
- World
- Popped Clogs
- Music
- Books
- Film
- Etc
Help And Info
- Contact Details
- Advertising
- Jobs
- Privacy Policy
- XML Feed

Home > People

Hate Rhymes: Jihad Enough? Or Do You Want Some Holy War?

6 March 2006

On Tuesday the Sun splashed on a terror exclusive which, it has to be said - credit where it's due - was quite a coup. Both chilling and hilarious, it was the story of the 24-year-old son of hate preacherman du jour Abu Hamza - a.k.a Mohammed Kamel Mostafa - and his bid to become the next Eminem. Militant Islam-style. Straight out of Yemen, where he spent three years in jail for a spot of high-spirited terrorism, the young scamp is currently on the lookout for a record label with the balls big enough to take on his own particular brand of West-despising Jihad-mongering hate-rhyme.

Mostafa has already had a degree of success, even playing Wembley with his old band Lionz Of Da Dezert, but now he feels it's time to branch out on his own. He told Sun reporters posing as music execs that he could make millions easily, his plan being to 'put ut an album for the mainstream market - then make a CD featuring hardcore lyrics.' He offered an example of some of these hardcore lyrics:

'I was born to be a soldier / Kalashnikov in [sic] my shoulder / peace to Hamas and Hezbollah / that's the way of the lord Allah....'
As you can see, they're particularly hopeless. Rather like something the cast of 'Grange Hill' would come up with after a field trip to an al-Qaida training camp in Basildon. We at TFT fear the worst, remembering of course, that this is not the first time the offspring of evil men have embarked upon a career in hip-hop. Who for example could forget these inspirational lines?: 'Yo, I may be a cutie / but I'm not exactly fruity / I may look like Britney / but you could never kill me / I may be just a girl / but let me tell you I can swirl.' Indeed. And wouldn't it be just terrible if Mostafa's career went the same way as Victoria Aitken's? His dad would get such a terrible ribbing in prison, he'd have no choice but to gouge out his own eyes.

Essentially, the problem with Hamza Junior is not that he's full of hate and bile and bigotry - hip hop is stuffed full of such sentiments. Rather, the problem is that he just isn't any good. Sadly, no amount of murderous belligerence can make a song good. Not in itself. There has to be that special something, that - if you will - X factor. Or perhaps in this case, Semtex factor. Perhaps not. Either way, Mostafa has neither.

Thankfully, we think we can help him out. Indeed, with his homespun hatred of all things non-Islamic and our hip hop knowhow, we think we can really put Mostafa on the violence in music map. But the first thing that has to go is the bloody awful name he's saddled himself with. AL-ansary. Apparently it means 'lion'. Plus of course, it smacks slightly of 'Allah'. But it's still bollocks, and there are a great many more striking names he could go for. Taboo Hamza, for example. DJ Rucksack. Sharia Twain. Kanye Bommit (Yes Ye Kan). MC McHook. Burka King. Deen Mujahi. Sho Bizlam. Fatbomb Slim. The list is endless. Oh, no. It's ended.

So that's his name sorted. Now, we need to hammer out some actual rhymes here. OK, hold on. Turn the beat up a little bit. OK, yo yo yo...


In Finsbury Park n Bradford n the centre of Iran
I piss on Harry Potter and I big up the Quran
My beard is a blessing from Mohammed, full of grace
My sword is sharp and ready and my bitches know their place
I don't get stoned on reefer and I don't get drunk on beers
But I stone rebellious women and I castrate filthy queers
You Jesus-loving pigs, you should be shaking in your shoes
And don't even get me started on those motherfucking Jews

Get on it, get off it / On your knees before the prophet
Get on it, get off it / On your knees before the prophet


Repeat to fade.


And if you think that was juvenile, you're right.

Nuff said.

Peace out.

Comment on this article: letters@thefridaything.co.uk

Subscribe to The Friday Thing for free

Bad words ahead The Friday Thing is a weekly email comment sheet. Casting a cynical eye over the week's events, it is rarely fair and never balanced.

A selection of articles from each week's issue appear online, but to enjoy the full Thing, delivered by email every Friday - as well as access to almost five years of back issues - you'll need to subscribe. It's absolutely free.

"Razor-sharp comment and gossip." - The Sunday Times

"Hilariously cynical..To describe it as 'irreverent' is to do the newsletter an injustice." - The Observer

"Sharp, intelligent, opinionated, uncompromising and very, very funny. Just like 'Private Eye' used to be." - Alec McKelland

"Wicked" - Channel 4

"Ace" - Time Out

"'We rise once again in advocacy of The Friday Thing. We realize that some of you may be unwilling to spend [your money] on plain-text comment, but you're only depriving yourself." - The Minor Fall, The Major Lift

"Subscribing to this at the beginning of the year was undoubtedly one of the better decisions I've made. Superlative, and utterly marvellous. I look forward to Fridays now, because I can't wait for the next issue. Fucking fucking brilliant." - Meish.org

"Featuring writers from The Observer, Smack The Pony and The 11 O'Clock Show... will continue to attract new subscribers sight unseen" - NeedToKnow

"The Friday Thing is so good it's stopping me from doing a bunk of a Friday afternoon." - Annie Blinkhorn (The Erotic Review)

"So now" - The Evening Standard

"Damn it, you rule. May you never, ever back down." - Paul Mayze

"Ace" - PopJustice

"Snarky" - Online Journalism Review

"Can you please stop making me laugh out loud... I'm supposed to be working, you know!" - Tamsin Tyrwhitt

"Your coverage of stuff as it spills is right on the money." - Mike Woods

"Popbitch with A-Levels." - Tim Footman

"In an inbox full of trite work-related nonsense, TFT shines from under its subject heading like the sun out of Angus Deayton's arse." - Nikki Hunt

"A first rate email. It's become an integral part of my week, and my life would be empty and meaningless without it (well, *more* empty and meaningless anyway)." - Mark Pugh

"Genius, absolute bit of class. And you can quote me on that." - Lee Neville

"If you're hipper than hell, this is what you read." - MarketingSherpa

"The most entertaining email I've had all week. Great tone." - Matthew Prior

"A massive and engrossing wit injection." - idiotica.co.uk

"I wouldn't know satire if it bit me on the arse. But I did like the Naomi Campbell joke." - Matt Kelly (The Mirror)

"Has had an understandably high profile among people who know about these things." - Guy Clapperton (Guardian Online)

"Satirical sideswipes at the burning issues of the day." - Radio 5 Live

"Puerile and worthless... Truly fabulous... Do read the whole thing." - Stephen Pollard

The Friday Thing 2001-2008 - All Rights Reserved