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Home > People

Hate Rhymes: Jihad Enough? Or Do You Want Some Holy War?

6 March 2006

On Tuesday the Sun splashed on a terror exclusive which, it has to be said - credit where it's due - was quite a coup. Both chilling and hilarious, it was the story of the 24-year-old son of hate preacherman du jour Abu Hamza - a.k.a Mohammed Kamel Mostafa - and his bid to become the next Eminem. Militant Islam-style. Straight out of Yemen, where he spent three years in jail for a spot of high-spirited terrorism, the young scamp is currently on the lookout for a record label with the balls big enough to take on his own particular brand of West-despising Jihad-mongering hate-rhyme.

Mostafa has already had a degree of success, even playing Wembley with his old band Lionz Of Da Dezert, but now he feels it's time to branch out on his own. He told Sun reporters posing as music execs that he could make millions easily, his plan being to 'put ut an album for the mainstream market - then make a CD featuring hardcore lyrics.' He offered an example of some of these hardcore lyrics:

'I was born to be a soldier / Kalashnikov in [sic] my shoulder / peace to Hamas and Hezbollah / that's the way of the lord Allah....'
As you can see, they're particularly hopeless. Rather like something the cast of 'Grange Hill' would come up with after a field trip to an al-Qaida training camp in Basildon. We at TFT fear the worst, remembering of course, that this is not the first time the offspring of evil men have embarked upon a career in hip-hop. Who for example could forget these inspirational lines?: 'Yo, I may be a cutie / but I'm not exactly fruity / I may look like Britney / but you could never kill me / I may be just a girl / but let me tell you I can swirl.' Indeed. And wouldn't it be just terrible if Mostafa's career went the same way as Victoria Aitken's? His dad would get such a terrible ribbing in prison, he'd have no choice but to gouge out his own eyes.

Essentially, the problem with Hamza Junior is not that he's full of hate and bile and bigotry - hip hop is stuffed full of such sentiments. Rather, the problem is that he just isn't any good. Sadly, no amount of murderous belligerence can make a song good. Not in itself. There has to be that special something, that - if you will - X factor. Or perhaps in this case, Semtex factor. Perhaps not. Either way, Mostafa has neither.

Thankfully, we think we can help him out. Indeed, with his homespun hatred of all things non-Islamic and our hip hop knowhow, we think we can really put Mostafa on the violence in music map. But the first thing that has to go is the bloody awful name he's saddled himself with. AL-ansary. Apparently it means 'lion'. Plus of course, it smacks slightly of 'Allah'. But it's still bollocks, and there are a great many more striking names he could go for. Taboo Hamza, for example. DJ Rucksack. Sharia Twain. Kanye Bommit (Yes Ye Kan). MC McHook. Burka King. Deen Mujahi. Sho Bizlam. Fatbomb Slim. The list is endless. Oh, no. It's ended.

So that's his name sorted. Now, we need to hammer out some actual rhymes here. OK, hold on. Turn the beat up a little bit. OK, yo yo yo...

....


In Finsbury Park n Bradford n the centre of Iran
I piss on Harry Potter and I big up the Quran
My beard is a blessing from Mohammed, full of grace
My sword is sharp and ready and my bitches know their place
I don't get stoned on reefer and I don't get drunk on beers
But I stone rebellious women and I castrate filthy queers
You Jesus-loving pigs, you should be shaking in your shoes
And don't even get me started on those motherfucking Jews

Get on it, get off it / On your knees before the prophet
Get on it, get off it / On your knees before the prophet

Jihaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaad!
Jihaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaad!

Repeat to fade.


....

And if you think that was juvenile, you're right.

Nuff said.

Peace out.



Comment on this article: letters@thefridaything.co.uk

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