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Home > People

WAWIBF... Suri Cruise

1 September 2006

Yesterday Tony Blair launched a new initiative to put an end to the scourge of Britain's 'menace children'. This he will do by tackling the problem early and at source. Not directly at source however - he won't actually do anything to tackle poverty, marginalisation, hopelessness, ennui or widespread inequality and inadequacy in the education system. No. But he will target families which he feels are most likely to produce bad eggs, e.g. teen mums, drug abusers, blacks, immigrants and other downtrodden ne'erdowells. And if they don't want his help, he will punish them. Quite right too. Solid socialist principles in action there. Well done, Tony. Welcome back.

What he really needs to do however, if he gives a damn about kids that are going to grow up mental, is have a word with Tom and Katie. To hell with jurisdiction. For if ever a child was born to be a menace to society, it's poor little Suri Cruise. Born to religious extremists who pretend to love one another in order to further their own careers, Suri Cruise is already America's most sought-after pre-teen. Everybody wants a piece of her. She was on T-shirts before she was even born. And it's getting worse every week. Earlier this week some shiftless, talentless artist made a bronze cast of how he imagines Suri's first stool will appear, when she starts eating solids.

If it weren't for one small detail, we would bet our bottom dollar that before she is even 11 years old, Suri Cruise will be a drugged-up slut terrorising Hollywood's gated communities and trepanning wetbacks for kicks. That detail of course, is that she doesn't actually exist.

Phew. At ease, Tony.

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