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Home > Places

Israel: A personal view

Robert Katz

5 May 2002

Like most totally assimilated, middle class, middle aged, middlebrow, medium-sized, left-leaning Jews (which is most of us), I am always the first to say "Where's the tomato ketchup, boy" when sensually peeling back the upper slice of bread on a bacon sandwich. Nothing can compare with the melange of bacon fat, white bread and marge, spiked with the tangy red salsa of Heinz.

I suspect my dying wish will be a bacon sandwich, a cup of tea and a quick grope of the nurse's thigh. I don't mind if he complains: I'll be dead soon enough.

So, Israel. What the hell are they doing? When I was a little boy I used to imagine being a handsome Israeli fighter pilot saving the motherland from marauding Arabs. Now, like millions of non-Israeli Jews I'm just embarrassed. Not because urban legends say (fairly accurately) that the sons of Zion have much bigger cocks than the average Anglo-Saxon, but because the Israelis have crossed the line again.

They did it in the 1980s in Sabra and Shatila and they've done it again in Jenin. Actually, they do it, and have done it, every day for decades by creating ghettoes and camps to keep their enemy cowed and desperate. They refuse to abide by UN Security Council resolutions and they refuse to speak English properly.

There are very few reasonable people, excluding Mark Thomas and a couple of crusties in the University of Leicester, who think that the state of Israel shouldn't exist. I personally was brought up to be a bit touchy about getting into German cars just in case the exhaust system wasn't working quite perfectly; and for obvious reasons shower rooms have never been my natural environment (except after games of course).

And along with these neuroses went the right of Israel to exist... But what for? Jews all over the world (and that's more than there are in Israel) are clutching their foreheads and rocking back and forth in shame.

Perhaps the main point of being Jewish (apart from our sheer sexiness) is to be persecuted. Three quarters of my family was driven from its home in Poland and gassed to death just for being Jewish. You can see the attraction for me of handsome, muscular Jewish soldiers fighting an incohate and ruthless enemy in order to secure their birthright. If that's how it really was it would be fine; but now Israel under Sharon has turned Israel into the world's foremost anti-semitic state.

What better advert could there be for Jews as monsters, callously killing women and children, casually torturing and killing men and boys? For more than a hundred years the fictitious 'Protocols of the Elders of Zion' have helped anti-semites believe that Jews are monsters. But now we can all stand up, point our fingers and shout "You Monster!" at the state of Israel. What do Jews need less than a kick in the head? The answer is: Israelis behaving badly. They do more for all the anti-semites in the world than any Le Pen or grunting BNP candidate.

There. Well done Israel.

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