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Home > Politics

Tony, Tony, Lama Sabachthani?

So what the buggery fuck is Tony playing at? I have a theory.

Paul Carr

29 March 2003

Something very odd has happened to Tony Blair. A few months ago even the most armchairy of armchair pundits could see that His policies owed more to focus groups and 'public opinion' (notice the quote marks) than to any kind of personal or party ideology.

But the fact that the lead story in today's Sun isn't 'Blair pledges to tell Bush to go fuck himself' suggests that something has changed. But what? Why is Tony suddenly so eager to put the demands of a red-necked-trigger-happy-election-stealing-lunatic over those of the people who voted to elect him (or rather voted not to elect William Hague. Or just didn't bother to vote at all)?

Could it be that he knows something the rest of us - not to mention all the other European leaders - don't? Will the long-awaited dossier on Iraq's 'Weapons of Mass Destruction (TM)' contain compelling evidence that British interests are under threat from Saddam - any more so than they are from other countries where unstable leaders have access to nukes (like Pakistan)? No, of course not. Nothing has changed since the end of the first Gulf War. Except that there's different Bush in the Whitehouse - let's call him 'Unfinished Business Bush' and - now that the New York skyline is a few feet shorter - there's a convenient excuse to 'regime change' the crap out of anyone who America doesn't like very much.

But let's leave Bush alone for now. We all know he's a moron and that America is a nation founded on hypocrisy (let he who has never killed millions of civilians through 'unlawful combat' and shown total disregard for international law cast the first stone). Blair, on the other hand, is an intelligent man with intelligent advisers. He reads the papers, he knows that the British public don't support
American unilateralism and, most importantly, he knows that his unqualified support for Dubya is making us a likely target for a well-placed suitcaseful of smallpox. So what the buggery fuck is he playing at?

I have a theory. It's pure speculation of course but it's the only explanation I can think of for Tony's born-again-Hawkism. I think he's trying to kill himself.

Remember back in June back when Cherie made the terrible gaffe of suggesting that, when your home is about to be bulldozed by Israeli tanks and you only have stones and bottles to fight with, the idea of sacrificing yourself for
your country suddenly becomes a bit more attractive? Well, perhaps that evening, while Tony was lying in bed with his unrepentant, wide-mouthed wife, he turned to her and said "you know darling... those suicide bombers have
given me an idea of how to stop all the xenophobic nonesense that's keeping us out of Europe".

Yes, Europe. Just think about it for a minute. The one good thing to come out of this whole messy business is a growing realisation that, for all their sheep-burning and Poland-invading antics, our European neighbours have quite a
sensible head on their collective shoulders. For one thing, they've been bold enough to tell the world's only superpower where to stick its so-called 'war' - and what's more they seem to understand that, without UN backing, there is no justification for a pre-emptive attack on a sovereign state.

And that was Tony's plan all along - glue our shoulders to those of our geographically-ignorant, war-mongering, mono-lingual American cousins and show us just how bad life as the 51st state would be. To commit political suicide so that we might live in more enlightened times.

At least by embracing Europe we'd be on equal terms with those who influence our foreign policy. At least we'd have a say in things. And, if a couple of 737s ploughed into Canary Wharf tomorrow - which they wouldn't, any more than they would fly into the Pompidou Centre - at least our European allies would have some idea of where Docklands is.

But I could be wrong. Blair might genuinely believe that driving the devil we know out of Iraq and killing thousands more Arabs in the process is really the best way to rid the world of terrorism. Maybe he really is out of his tiny fucking mind. I'm sure we'll find out soon enough. In the meantime, I'm off to the Pompidou Centre.

Comment on this article: letters@thefridaything.co.uk

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