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Home > Politics

Ten ways to avoid the upcoming Christmas terrorist attacks on London

14 December 2003

1) Al Quaeda is said to be looking for a morale-boosting, high-profile target similar to the World Trade Centers. Avoid visiting DFS's 'biggest ever' New Year sale.


2) The next terror threat is likely to come from the 'axis of evil'. Make an evil detector by sellotaping a Bible to one end of a broom handle and a copy of Lady Chatterley's Lover to the other. Now suspend the broom handle from a piece of rope so that it is balanced horizontally. The broom handle will act as a kind of 'evil compass' and will rotate so that the copy of Lady Chatterley's Lover will point at any nearby Al Qaeda members.


3) Never leave your house. Unless you live in Central London. In which case you're pretty much fucked whether you leave your house or not. The smallpox is going to get you either way. Bad luck.


4) Spend hours and hours writing emotional messages to your friends and family, putting your affairs in order, and sorting out your last will and testament. Effort of this sort is guaranteed to go unrewarded.


5) Enrich the social life of any Muslim extremists that you happen to know. Date them, go boozing with them, get them hooked on Sex And The City - anything to dissuade them from topping themselves in an extravagant fashion. Make them realize that Western cultural life isn't really so bad. Avoid Yates' Wine Lodges.


6) Render yourself invulnerable to nuclear attack by building a nuclear shelter out of a wooden door and pooing in a bucket.


7) We are constantly reminded that terrorist attacks are acts of extreme cowardice. If you see a fanatical extremist carrying 50 pounds of Semtex and an AK-47, punch him on the nose. He will immediately begin crying like a baby and give himself up.


8) Convert to Islam. This won't protect you from a terrorist attack, but if you survive you'll almost certainly be commissioned by the Guardian to write an article entitled: 'Why Islam teaches love not hate' and apparently they pay
quite well.


9) Al Qaeda is rumoured to be planning to release angry bees into the Underground. Take a full water butt with you on all tube journeys and jump into it if you hear the distant sound of buzzing.


10) At all costs, avoid Stockwell tube station. It's not a terrorist target, it's just a dump.



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