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Home > Politics

Tony Blair: he thinks he's in a film (and a not very good one at that).

2 January 2004

Sky marshals. The very expression could have been invented with a Hollywood blockbuster in mind...

Keanu Reeves and Wesley Snipes ARE: The Sky Marshals.

Faceless 'international terrorists' want $50 billion or they'll detonate a bomb on a 747. Sky marshal Brett Stone is brought out of retirement for One Last Job. Will he save the day? Can he snip the right wire to disable the bomb? Will the cute female terrorist change sides? Why do government security agencies insist on employing mavericks with a disrespect for authority that would ordinarily have got them fired after five minutes? How much smaller can you make those little tubs of Haagen Daaz without resorting to nano-technology?

This government does seem rather enamoured of the simplicities that can be found in Hollywood films. Terrorism, we are constantly reminded, is 'evil'. Just this week Tony Blair described the British troops' occupation of Basra as 'a noble and good cause'. What next? A government leaflet campaign warning Young People of the dangers of unprotected sex, alcopops and the dark side of the Force?

But if George and Tony want to turn the world into a summer blockbuster, why not go the whole hog? We suggest:

1) Tony Blair to get cute dog. Cute dogs have a noble film history, from Lassie to the dog in Lethal Weapon 2, which, as we will never tire of pointing out, survives while Patsy Kensit's character dies. (We look forward to future celluloid humiliations of Ms Kensit - perhaps a role in which she plays second fiddle to a wise-ass, crime-fighting, computer-generated rodent?). Tony's dog will reinforce his persona as a good guy, being hopelessly adorable and of mongrel lineage, to affirm New Labour's commitment to inclusivity. Whenever there's a nigglesome problem in New Labour policy (eg. bombing civilians) the dog will distract the public by leaping, in slow motion, from the path of an enormous explosion. Aah.

2) Terrorists to be made more easily recognisable by giving them traditional cinematic physical manifestations of evil. Osama Bin Laden to get mechanical hand, while the rest of Al Quaeda get a variety of disfigurements: a creepy milky-white eye, severe facial burns, third nipples, etc. Hezbollah, Hamas and the PLO, meanwhile, will acquire a range of diabolical sayings, including:

"Your daughter is very pretty... we wouldn't want anything to change that, would we? Ha ha ha. A-HA HA HA!"

"Bring me the pain amplifiers! Soon you will know the true meaning of suffering! Ha ha ha. A-HA HA HA!"

"Those Dalmation puppies are delightful. 'Delightful'-ly suited to be turned into an item of clothing! Ha ha ha. A-HA HA HA!"

3) World to be neatly divided into Good and Evil. Good will include Tony Blair, George Bush, God and Han Solo. Evil to include: George Galloway, Saddam Hussein, Voldemort, everyone else.

Comment on this article: letters@thefridaything.co.uk

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