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Home > Politics

The TFT Guide To... Terrorism in the UK

This week security experts warned that a terrorist attack on the UK is inevitable. So how should we respond sensibly and proportionately to the threat of Al Quaeda terrorism?

26 March 2004

1) When you're on the underground, keep other passengers alert and vigilant by explaining what would happen if a bomb went off in a confined space 300 feet underground.

2) Walk around dressed as a suicide bomber with fake explosives strapped to your torso screaming 'Die, infidels, DIE!' Suicide bombers will think you're one of them and you will be perfectly safe.

3) Get into the good old Blitz spirit of friendly cameraderie. Invite your neighbours over to lynch a German.

4) Do what the Americans recommend: keep a torch, batteries, a fully-charged mobile phone, fresh water, a wind-up radio, a survival blanket and tinned food in a bag. Quite how this will protect you against having a hijacked 747 land on your head is unclear, but bear in mind this is the nation that needs an explanatory preamble to help them follow Baywatch.

5) Avoid all mainline train terminals. This won't protect you against the horror of terrorism, but it WILL protect you against the horror of impulse purchases in Sock Shop.



Comment on this article: letters@thefridaything.co.uk

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