2001-2008
Home
Main
- About TFT
Friday Thing Archive
- Politics
- Media
- Culture and Society
- War On Terror
- People
- Places
- World
- Popped Clogs
- Music
- Books
- Film
- Etc
Help And Info
- Contact Details
- Advertising
- Jobs
- Privacy Policy
- XML Feed

Home > Politics

Geoff Hoon's future war

23 July 2004

This week Geoff Hoon announced massive cuts to the armed forces. Despite warnings that the conflicts of the 21st century are going to be as labour intensive as any previous war, Hoon has got a convenient rationale: the old chestnut that we're going to need less soldiers, sailors and airmen because future wars will be more 'high-tech'.

This is bollocks, of course, so we can only begin to wonder what Hoon imagines future wars and anti-terrorist operations will be like. Something like this, perhaps:


The Future of Warfare: a Strategic Policy Document by G. Hoon, 13 .

Take this hypothetical scenario: civil war has broken out in a small East European state. Militias are killing each other and conducting 'ethnic cleansing'. The UK is asked to help, as part of a UN peace-keeping force. How will the British armed forces respond?


1) Using the Internet, the King's Own Star Trek Regiment immediately bombards the militias' websites with nuisance queries, forcing them to stop butchering civilians and answer their emails instead.

2) RAF Tornadoes drop precision-targeted 'smart weapons' that reduce the quantities of 'ordinance' (military word for 'bombs') needed because they are so effective in destroying key military installations. There is a lull in fighting as militias stop to rebuild hospitals, schools, orphanages, etc.

3) New high-tech 'Robo-plane' takes off from RAF Lakenheath. The plane flies to conflict zone, disarms all guerrillas using non-lethal technology, begins a peace process between warring factions, sets up a representative interim government committed to 'truth and reconciliation', restores all vital infrastructure, produces a draft five-year economic recovery plan and does a quick whizz round with the Hoover.

(NB: plane not yet invented.)



Comment on this article: letters@thefridaything.co.uk

Subscribe to The Friday Thing for free


 ABOUT THE FRIDAY THING
Bad words ahead The Friday Thing is a weekly email comment sheet. Casting a cynical eye over the week's events, it is rarely fair and never balanced.

A selection of articles from each week's issue appear online, but to enjoy the full Thing, delivered by email every Friday - as well as access to almost five years of back issues - you'll need to subscribe. It's absolutely free.

READERS WRITE
"Razor-sharp comment and gossip." - The Sunday Times

"Hilariously cynical..To describe it as 'irreverent' is to do the newsletter an injustice." - The Observer

"Sharp, intelligent, opinionated, uncompromising and very, very funny. Just like 'Private Eye' used to be." - Alec McKelland

"Wicked" - Channel 4

"Ace" - Time Out

"'We rise once again in advocacy of The Friday Thing. We realize that some of you may be unwilling to spend [your money] on plain-text comment, but you're only depriving yourself." - The Minor Fall, The Major Lift

"Subscribing to this at the beginning of the year was undoubtedly one of the better decisions I've made. Superlative, and utterly marvellous. I look forward to Fridays now, because I can't wait for the next issue. Fucking fucking brilliant." - Meish.org

"Featuring writers from The Observer, Smack The Pony and The 11 O'Clock Show... will continue to attract new subscribers sight unseen" - NeedToKnow

"The Friday Thing is so good it's stopping me from doing a bunk of a Friday afternoon." - Annie Blinkhorn (The Erotic Review)

"So now" - The Evening Standard

"Damn it, you rule. May you never, ever back down." - Paul Mayze

"Ace" - PopJustice

"Snarky" - Online Journalism Review

"Can you please stop making me laugh out loud... I'm supposed to be working, you know!" - Tamsin Tyrwhitt

"Your coverage of stuff as it spills is right on the money." - Mike Woods

"Popbitch with A-Levels." - Tim Footman

"In an inbox full of trite work-related nonsense, TFT shines from under its subject heading like the sun out of Angus Deayton's arse." - Nikki Hunt

"A first rate email. It's become an integral part of my week, and my life would be empty and meaningless without it (well, *more* empty and meaningless anyway)." - Mark Pugh

"Genius, absolute bit of class. And you can quote me on that." - Lee Neville

"If you're hipper than hell, this is what you read." - MarketingSherpa

"The most entertaining email I've had all week. Great tone." - Matthew Prior

"A massive and engrossing wit injection." - idiotica.co.uk

"I wouldn't know satire if it bit me on the arse. But I did like the Naomi Campbell joke." - Matt Kelly (The Mirror)

"Has had an understandably high profile among people who know about these things." - Guy Clapperton (Guardian Online)

"Satirical sideswipes at the burning issues of the day." - Radio 5 Live

"Puerile and worthless... Truly fabulous... Do read the whole thing." - Stephen Pollard

The Friday Thing 2001-2008 - All Rights Reserved