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Home > Politics

Confessions of a New Labour cabinet

17 September 2004

Scene 1. It is the 1970s. Two window cleaners, TONY and ALAN are standing outside a surburban house, with buckets of soapy water and a ladder. They are wearing flares and tight T-shirts.


ALAN: Tell yer what, mate, you should see the knockers on that Department of Health press officer! She's a cracking bit of humpty and no mistake!

TONY: Keep yer mind on the job, Alan. Or you'll have to spend more time with your family.

ALAN: That's the problem, Tony. New Labour's always on the job! Have you seen that Blunkett's bird? She's a right dog.

TONY: That's his GUIDE dog, you daft sod.

ALAN: No, I meant the publisher of the increasingly deranged right-wing gobbledegook publication The Spectator.

TONY: Shut up and pass me the chammy leather, Alan. Mind you, I reckon whoever lives here is a bit of a goer.

ALAN: Why's that?

TONY: They've got dirty garden gnomes. Look at that little red-haired one with the beard. It's got its Hampton out!

ALAN: That's not a gnome, that's former foreign secretary and New Labour traitor Robin Cook.

TONY: Right! I'm going to give him a bunch of fives! Oy! Cookie! (He points to his boot) You're about to find a weapon of mass destruction - where the sun don't shine!

Before the booting can take place RON DAVIES comes over.

RON: Anyone fancy a moment of madness on Clapham Common?


JOHN: Oi! What's all this racket? You lot are even more randy than us Tory weirdoes!

EDWINA (to ALAN): How do you like your eggs in the morning, big boy? I like mine fertilised. And full of salmonella!

ALL: Cor blimey!

ALAN's ladder extends in a 'saucy' manner, accompanied by shit music and a 'boing' sound.

Comment on this article: letters@thefridaything.co.uk

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