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Home > Politics

Confessions of a New Labour cabinet

17 September 2004

Scene 1. It is the 1970s. Two window cleaners, TONY and ALAN are standing outside a surburban house, with buckets of soapy water and a ladder. They are wearing flares and tight T-shirts.

...

ALAN: Tell yer what, mate, you should see the knockers on that Department of Health press officer! She's a cracking bit of humpty and no mistake!


TONY: Keep yer mind on the job, Alan. Or you'll have to spend more time with your family.


ALAN: That's the problem, Tony. New Labour's always on the job! Have you seen that Blunkett's bird? She's a right dog.


TONY: That's his GUIDE dog, you daft sod.


ALAN: No, I meant the publisher of the increasingly deranged right-wing gobbledegook publication The Spectator.


TONY: Shut up and pass me the chammy leather, Alan. Mind you, I reckon whoever lives here is a bit of a goer.


ALAN: Why's that?


TONY: They've got dirty garden gnomes. Look at that little red-haired one with the beard. It's got its Hampton out!


ALAN: That's not a gnome, that's former foreign secretary and New Labour traitor Robin Cook.


TONY: Right! I'm going to give him a bunch of fives! Oy! Cookie! (He points to his boot) You're about to find a weapon of mass destruction - where the sun don't shine!


Before the booting can take place RON DAVIES comes over.


RON: Anyone fancy a moment of madness on Clapham Common?


The front door opens. JOHN MAJOR, EDWINA CURRY, HARVEY PROCTOR, ALAN CLARKE, JEFFREY ARCHER and JOHN PROFUMO step outside.


JOHN: Oi! What's all this racket? You lot are even more randy than us Tory weirdoes!


EDWINA (to ALAN): How do you like your eggs in the morning, big boy? I like mine fertilised. And full of salmonella!


ALL: Cor blimey!


ALAN's ladder extends in a 'saucy' manner, accompanied by shit music and a 'boing' sound.



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