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Home > Politics

Bribery: the Moore the merrier

8 October 2004

This week the Michigan Republican Party did itself no favours whatsoever when it requested that prosecutors in four counties file charges of bribing the electorate against Michael Moore. Moore is currently on the 60-city, 20-state tour he has dubbed the 'Slacker Uprising Tour'; the idea being to persuade America's disaffected, apathetic youth to register to vote. In order to persuade, or indeed bribe them, Moore has been giving away free underwear and noodles to those who pledge to register. It's a gag, obviously. They're students and layabouts. They don't change their pants. They eat shit. But of course it's also very serious.

No-one knows this more than the Michigan Republican Party. And no-one likes it less. According to Moore himself, the backhanders are going down a treat. 'The state of Michigan (where we spent most of last week) reported that over 100,000 young people recently registered to vote.' Fearing that those new votes will not be going their way, the Grand Old Party have gotten all uppity and made themselves look like petulant frightened children. Moore must be as happy as a pig in muck (with a star-fucking floosy close at hand). Whilst he will certainly have been aware of the possibility of being prosecuted, and may even have been willing it, he couldn't possibly have dreamt that anyone would be stupid enough try. Now he gets to say stuff like this: 'The Republicans seem more interested in locking me up for trying to encourage people to participate in our democracy than locking up bin Laden for his attacks on our democracy.' Which he must love.

'We want everyone to participate in this year's election,' said Greg McNeilly, executive director of the MRP, 'but not because they were bribed or coerced by the likes of Michael Moore.' Coerced? How on earth do you coerce someone with a three-pack of Fruit of the Loom Y-fronts and a packet of freeze-dried noodles?

But of course Greg McNeilly was lying when he said that Republicans want 'everyone to participate in this year's election'. Obviously they don't. We know that. They only want the people who intend to vote for them to vote. As do the Democrats of course, or any other political party. In the end this
democracy lark is all very disheartening.

With the election now less than four weeks away, and most of the polls we get to hear about pointing marginally towards a second Bush term, it's very easy to get bogged down and depressed. Especially as no matter how many lies are exposed, nothing ever seems to change. Like when it transpired that Rumsfeld had sanctioned the torture of those Iraqi prisoners. Nothing happened. Like this week when Rumsfeld admitted that Iraq never had WMD in the first place, that the whole WMD thing was a grand old porky. Didn't matter. It can get really tiring. Apathy is not an unreasonable reaction.

And of course it's exactly the same in this country. If there were an election tomorrow, Blair would be voted into power again. And not because he's a strong, effective and much-loved leader. But because it's either him or Michael fucking Howard. Dismal really, this thing we call democracy.

A Bill Hicks bit keeps coming to mind. This one: 'I'll show you politics in America. Here it is, right here. "I think the puppet on the right shares my beliefs." "I think the puppet on the left is more to my liking." "Hey, wait a minute, there's one guy
holding out both puppets!' Ah yes, the old crushed-by-corporate- domination-into-a-capitalist-stranglehold chestnut. Well, yes. And until we all evolve a little, well, we're fucked. But in the mean-Goddamn-time, thank heavens for Michael Moore. Surely even those who disagree with his politics must still admire his gusto - the simple fact that he's trying so extremely hard to effect a change he believes in?


No. Oh, well.

Now all he really needs to do is actually go to jail for his democracy. And then get shot.

Oh, dear, this just in.

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