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Home > Politics

The TFT Guide To... Business and government policy

Recently Labour MP Frank Dobson said that officials in the Department for Culture, Media and Sport had 'been captured by the drinks industry', referring to the planned 24-hour licensing laws, which will finally allow us to drunkenly stumble from one club to another until daybreak in search of a snog. But if policy on licensing is being made by the drinks industry, what other businesses are influencing the government?

23 January 2005

1) The Home Office makes the surprise announcement that it intends to introduce 'legal murder zones' after talks with representatives of the combat knife industry, who explain that the continued illegality of murder is harming profitability.

2) After talks with McDonalds, the government launches a new 'five portions a day' campaign to encourage the public to eat at least five portions of the following approved fruits and vegetables: ketchup, fries, strawberry milkshake, onion rings, and deep-fried Bonemeal'n'Banana-flavouring McPuke burgers.

3) The construction industry is shocked when the building regulations are changed to make it illegal to use brick, concrete, steel or other 'non-flimsy' materials in any new building after government ministers meet with the Association of Chipboard, Hardboard and Cardboard Wholesalers.

4) All pavements are designated 'automotive development areas' and replaced with roads after Department for Transport officials get a series of free meals bought for them by Ford at exclusive restaurants. A DfT spokesman later says: 'Removing all pavements was a decision that required the most weighty and serious consideration. But then we realised Keira Knightley was sitting at the next table, and it was, like, wow, sod the pavements, it's Keira Knightley!'

5) Gordon Brown and announces new 'human souls' public/ private partnership with 'key stakeholder' Satan.

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