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Home > Politics

The TFT Guide To: Killing intruders

This week, the Crown Prosecution Service published a leaflet explaining exactly how much force you can use against burglars and other subhuman scum, highlighting the fact that you can murder them if they're threatening enough, which is surely good news for unstable would-be vigilantes everywhere. But if you're still unsure about where you stand legally, why not read the following TFT guide to home invasion?

4 February 2005

1) Avoid the whole terrifying scenario of home invasion by not reading the Daily Mail.

2) Remember that the law allows you to use a weapon, such as a cricket bat or golf club. However, you might want to keep some other weapons to hand: a knife, perhaps, or a power drill, or a set of scalpels. Since you may have to detain one or more burglars, it would also be wise to keep some restraints: handcuffs, cable ties or perhaps just some lengths of nylon rope tied to the posts of a bed in your cellar. People may think you're a bit strange, but they won't be laughing at you for long, the cheap, painted whores!

3) Be prepared for burglary. Make sure you've constructed an elaborate macho fantasy in which you dispense rough justice to a gang of evil criminals, making you the toast of the community and possibly winning the affections of an attractive neighbour. Then discover you're actually a total coward as you cower in front of a burglar whimpering 'Not me! Hurt my children, not me! My wife do you want my wife?'

4) The police are notoriously under-resourced, so help them keep one step ahead of burglars by dialling 999 every time you spot someone you believe to be 'a druggie'.

5) Do remember that burglary rarely involves a violent attacker threatening you and your family. It is far more likely to involve a huge gang of Hell's Angels and multi-ethnic hippy street scum carrying automatic weapons, like in the Death Wish films.

Comment on this article: letters@thefridaything.co.uk

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