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Home > Politics

The TFT Guide To: Howard's pre-election promises

This week Michael 'Fucking' Howard ploughed on with his pre-election campaign, veering between the unsavoury and plain ridiculous with yet more anti-immigration policies and a frankly bizarre claim that the Tories would get rid of hospital waiting lists. Given that it's still quite a while until the election, TFT wondered what other gimmicks the Tories will come up with...

18 February 2005

1) Michael 'Fucking' Howard announces that if the Tories win the election, everything will be free. When asked how this will be achieved, Howard hides under a table and refuses to come out.

2) Howard promises to get tough on immigration with a new 'whiteness' test. (Sadly the problem of annoyingly chirpy Kiwi bar staff continues unchecked.)

3) The Tories promise to make it sunny every day. The efficacy of this plan is questioned when Oliver Letwin is found sacrificing chickens 'to appease the rain gods'.

4) NHS waiting lists to be got rid of by the simple measure of scrapping the NHS.

5) Michael 'Fucking' Howard curries favour with voters by promising that once he's elected he will stop talking crap in that annoying, slightly nasal whine that sounds like some loathsome public school girl called Jocasta complaining because her parents won't pay for her to go on a skiing trip.



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