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Home > Politics

Election Promises: Everything you need to know

5 April 2005

The ever-diligent BBC News online recently published a handy summary of the main political parties' various positions on key election issues.

Reading it, we realised what a terrible bunch of cynics we've been! ALL the parties are proposing sensible-sounding measures that will make life immeasurably better for everyone in the UK! How could we have been so negative?

But then we realised Blair, Howard and Kennedy would promise every UK voter eternal life if it would bring in a few more votes. That and the fact that every policy is couched in such worthy, uncontroversial terms that they'd probably call dysentery a 'cost-effective, completely natural alternative to colonic irrigation'.

So what are they really planning? We decided to create our own handy summary...

ASYLUM / IMMIGRATION

Labour: Will come out with some knee-jerk 'clampdown' on asylum seekers whenever Rebekah Wade phones to let them know she's planning the front page splash 'GYPSY PAEDOPHILE ASYLUM SEEKER LOTTERY FRAUD RING RAPED MY WHITE VAN'. When the Guardian objects, a senior Labour politician will make an insulting attempt to win over ethnic minorities by singing the praises of
curry.

Conservative: Will seal our porous coastal border by building a brick wall round the UK, topped with broken glass. Anyone who cannot produce documentary evidence of being a flaxen-haired Aryan superman will be set adrift on a P&O ferry out of Dover before the final bricks are put in place. The remaining
population will then retire to underground bunkers to cower in the dark like frightened animals in case there are Muslim clerics on the loose.

Liberal Democrat: Will fudge the issue by making the (largely unproven) assertion that immigration is vital to the contemporary economy, thus making a perverse virtue out of slave wages.


HEALTH

Labour: Will introduce 'choice' for all NHS patients: a choice of which gimmick they want from their local hospital. These will include:

- A choice between meaningless star rating systems and hospital league tables

- A choice of bedside entertainment: cable TV, or watching new life forms evolve in the filthy, half-finished PFI ward you're in

- A choice of waiting lists that bears no relation to clinical need because they were cooked up by a New Labour policy wonk. eg. 10 minute waiting list to get your teeth whitened, 25 year waiting list to get a brain tumour removed.


Conservative: Control of the NHS will be handed over to a venal private consortium composed of Group 4 Security, Rentokil and plethora of lousy cleaning firms who pay clinically depressed Somalis 4p an hour. Rentokil is singled out for criticism when an internal memo is leaked to the press, which promises to cut waiting lists using the mysterious 'Project Extermination'.

Liberal Democrat: Will ban smoking in public places, thus reducing the horrendous annual death toll of people dropping dead because they walked past someone in the street smoking a fag.

CRIME

Labour: Will cut violent crime while introducing 24-hour drinking. Will increase drug rehab budget after relaxing the law on cannabis. And will probably solve the problem of domestic violence by giving abusive partners free alcohol to help them be more relaxed.

Conservative: Will create 40,000 extra police, 20,000 more prison places and offer addicts the choice of rehab or prison. Can you guess which of these measures might mysteriously get forgotten about after the election?

Liberal Democrat: Will introduce out-of-hours school courses designed to show yobs the error of their ways. Will also introduce flying cars, unicorns, Magic Faraway Trees.


EDUCATION

Labour: Will set up City Creation Science Academies at the behest of Tony Blair. If any children fail to take on board the Christian message, they'll still start praying to God later in life when they realise they've got university debts of 30,000.

Conservative: 'Good' schools will be able to expand and new ones will be created. Education soon comes to resemble the secondary modern/grammar school system, but without the secondary moderns.

Liberal Democrat: Will cut class sizes for youngest children, ensuring all children go on to secondary education with adequate sand pit skills. Will also ensure all children are taught by a qualified teacher in each subject. In the case of PE, all teachers will have a proven track record of sex with underage girls or lesbianism.

WAR ON TERROR/IRAQ

Labour: Will make a convincing case for why the original intelligence WASN'T flawed, how we WEREN'T committed to an ill-conceived neo-con military adventure from the word 'go', and how these facts IN NO WAY contradict the moral imperative which was regime change. Either that or just hope it all blows over.

Conservative: Oliver Letwin to black up, stick a tea-towel on his head and blow himself up in central London next week, thus creating overwhelming public demand for the troops to be withdrawn. Let's face it, in the unlikely event that they do win the election it's the only way they can avoid being landed with the whole bloody mess which they supported as well.

Liberal Democrat: Opposed to the war. Except when they were supporting it.



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