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Home > Politics

Michael 'Fucking' Howard: Ha ha ha. Ha ha ha. Ha ha ha ha ha

11 May 2005

Without putting too fine a point on it, Michael 'Fucking' Howard is 'fucking' fucked.

We're not going to pretend that we're anything except cock-a-hoop about this. Howard has fought a shallow and opportunistic campaign, relentlessly reiterating the same unimaginative points in the hope that the general public will bite.

It's been the political equivalent of the Shake and Vac adverts: artless and unsubtle, but even the biggest dunderhead can't miss the point: do the Shake and Vac and put the freshness back. Or should that be 'send 'em back'?

However, Howard's failure to reverse the Tories' fortunes places him in an awkward situation - the latest of a string of Tory leaders appointed to save the party, all of whom have failed. Howard has complicated matters by saying that he'd sack ministers who fail to deliver on election promises. This isn't just a turkey voting for Christmas, it's a turkey preparing the gravy and trimmings before rushing headlong for the oven screaming 'EAT ME!'

Thus Howard could soon find himself stepping down as leader of the party, which is a genuinely interesting thought. If the Tories maintain their policy of appointing worse and worse leaders, who the hell will they find who's worse than Howard? Roland Rat?

But if Howard does fall on his sword, what does the future hold for old Nosferatu the Twat? We decided to come up with some career suggestions...

- Diversity officer for a particularly barmy Labour council. After all the crap Howard has come out with about immigration and political correctness, it seems only right under karmic law that he should be forced to spend a few years organising painfully PC events, eg. Caribbean cooking workshops for Pre-operative transsexual wheelchair users.

- Village idiot. Popular opinion has it that many villages are missing an idiot, and Michael 'Fucking' Howard could easily remedy this. Michael could be employed by various rural backwaters to talk at length about how people from neighbouring villages are stealing our turnips, explain how changelings are making the cows barren, and get arrested for fucking a chicken.

- Writer. This seems to be a popular career for washed-up Tory politicians, from Jeffrey Archer to Edwina Currie. We can see it now...

Scarface. A screenplay by M. F. Howard. (Final draft)

Tony Montana is a killer for the Cuban government. But when the heat is on he decides to set up a cocaine empire in the US. In an iconic moment he muses: 'First we get the money, then we get the power, then we get the women.' But his visa application gets turned down by a ruthlessly efficient immigration service, and none of it happens. The end.

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