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Home > Politics

The TFT Guide To... Illegal immigrants

This week the government admitted that there may be as many as 570,000 illegal immigrants living in the UK, a figure they conveniently forgot to mention during the election. But what should be done about the problem of illegal immigration in the future? TFT makes some practical suggestions...

3 July 2005

1) Britain to be made less appealing to would-be illegal immigrants by convincing them that Eastenders is a realistic portrayal of life in the UK.

2) The government applies the same strategy of keeping quiet about awkward facts to other policy areas. After nuclear missiles devastate the UK, ministers reveal that we’ve actually been at war with North Korea since 2003.

3) Illegal immigrants to be rounded up by the Home Office simply by ordering a hell of a lot of unlicensed mini-cabs and pizzas.

4) Room to be made for illegal immigrants by deporting existing undesirables: chavs, telemarketers, premier league footballers, Jehovah’s Witnesses, the BNP, the Royal family, Big Brother housemates, the creators of Celebrity Wrestling, murderers, and, perhaps most importantly, Amanda Platell.

5) All 570,000 illegal immigrants to made to live in a very crowded house with Richard Littlejohn. Just to see the look on his face.



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