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Home > Politics

Governed by infants

8 July 2005

As a concerned world furrowed its brow over the issues of climate change and poverty this week, the eight good men and true of the G8 on whose shoulders rest an awesome weight of responsibility inspired everyone by behaving like contemptible berks. Bush spoke to ITV's Trevor McDonald as if he were a particularly runty flea in a suit, using the opportunity to give Blair a hearty Texan bitchslap for even thinking about begging for favourable scraps at the summit. More irksome, although even less surprising, was the behaviour of gnarled and bitter Jacques Chirac, whose ungentlemanly comments about his British chums were served up hot in all the UK papers. 'The only thing [the British] have ever given European farming is mad cow,' chortled Chirac, continuing: 'You can't trust people who cook as badly as that.' Vladimir Putin and Gerhard Schröder, dining with the French president in a Russian café, covered their mouths and giggled like Tokyo schoolgirls.

With such unseemly tomfuckery going on prior to such a gravely important confab, what else might be leaked from the hallowed halls during the summit's final day?


1) Tony Blair heard humming the tune to 'Chariots of Fire' whenever Jacques Chirac is in earshot.

2) George W. Bush heard making little 'woof woof, yap' noises whenever Tony Blair speaks.

3) All members heard shouting 'LOOK! LOOK!' whenever Tony Blair begins a sentence with 'Look, it's simply a matter of....'

4) Vladimir Putin informs other members that this sandwich is his, and he's already spat in it.

5) Gerhard Schröder found with surprise supply of whoopee cushions.

6) Bush found to have drawn a naked lady and spare boobies on his notepad.

7) All members seen to narrow their eyes whenever Japanese President Junichiro Koizumi speaks.

8) Bush heard to say 'aboot, aboot!' whenever Canadian Prime Minister Paul Martin speaks. Martin later comforted by Koizumi with a lollypop.

9) Jacques Chirac openly picks nose and wipes it on Putin's sleeve.

10) Rolf Harris closes the summit with a solemn rendition of 'Two Little Boys' and, having agreed that the Tweenies *are* better than the Teletubbies, all members celebrate with some jelly, which Jacques Chirac spoils by making fake puking noises throughout.

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