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Home > Politics

Terrorism: Let's have a meeting

As the old gag goes: ĎDonít want to do any work? Letís have a meeting.í And a meeting is exactly what Tony Blair had this week with ĎMuslim leadersí. Itís hard to imagine what exactly was discussed, and exactly how a chat with Tony would solve the growing schism between the West and the Muslim world, but we imagine it went something like this:

24 July 2005

Tony Blair: Hi guys. Iíd just like to say Iím a big fan of your Koran! Not so sure about all that suicide bombing though! HAHAHAHAHA!

Muslim ĎLeaderí: Fuck me! Free sandwiches! In London! IíVE ARRIVED! Wait until I tell the guys at Didcot Parkway Mosque about this!

Muslim ĎLeaderí 2: Iíve noticed that among young Muslims in particular there is a strong feeling of injustice about the war in Iraq -

Tony Blair: HAHAHA! Well we canít expect young people to understand the full intricacies of why the war is absolutely necessary and right.

Muslim ĎLeaderí 3: Which are?

Tony Blair: Letís not talk about that. Er - you see, young people are very much the lifeblood of our future, and all our futures, in the future and beyond the future.

Muslim ĎLeaderí 4: And a selection of crisps! Allahu Akbar!

Muslim ĎLeaderí 5: Yes, I too have noticed that the war in Iraq -

Tony Blair: Come on guys! We said weíre not talking about that, didnít we? OK. Great. HAHAHA. Anyway - has anyone got a quick fix to the problem of terrorism?

Muslim ĎLeaderí 6: There can be no solution except the full withdrawal of the American imperialist infidels and their running dog oppressors from Iraq and the entire Middle East and the cleansing of the Holy Land with the blood of the Great Satan!

Tony Blair: Er, Iíve made a note of that. Anyway, letís move swiftly on. I think we have to, in a very real sense, turn the frustration of young people - Muslim or otherwise - into constructive activities with the Community Facility Urban Cultural Outreach Programme.

Muslim ĎLeaderí 2: Sorry?

Tony Blair: Rap battles. In youth clubs.

Muslim ĎLeaderí 6: I forgot, did I mention that the total destruction of Israel is pretty imperative too?

Tony Blair: HAHAHA! Great! Iíve written that one down too. But back to the rap battles -

Muslim ĎLeaderí 2: Surely this is just a talking shop of people who may or may not represent British Muslims and which can never hope to solve deep-rooted historical and political problems, not least the intractable position of the US and its allies on the issue of Iraq?

Tony Blair: Sandwich?

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